October

October is Domestic Violence Month and Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I got caught up in other things forgetting to post from events.  So here are a few.

 Organized a wear purple day at courthouse annex for Domestic Violence Awareness.

The Monroe County Health Department Breast Cancer awareness luncheon.

Another Lost Ring

As I came in from the barn last night around ten I wrestled with Diesel in the driveway.   My wedding band slipped off my finger and went flying.  I looked and looked but couldn't find it in the gravel.  I gave up and went on to the house.....and didn't tell Chris.

This morning I was backing out of the drive with my car door open so I could try and see my ring.  And look what I found:

In the Mail

We get some interesting notes in with property tax payments each year. Some nice. Some not so nice.  I have a very thick folder of saved tidbits of mail and email.  Perhaps I will share if I ever find that ghostwriter for a book or two.

One of the neatest enclosures with payments is from Ocala,  FL. Every year a copy of a little community newspaper is in the envelope.  Pretty cool. Love to read the issue sent!

NHL Owner

When I win the lottery and buy the Nashville Predators there are two things I will do.

The first?  Get rid of cheerleaders. Hockey isn't supposed to have cheerleaders.

The second? Get rid of the horrible score/win song.  The song sounds like you are against the Predators.  Not happy they scored/won.

Well.....part two...

Well.......pre-op is December 2nd with surgery December 18th.

I definitely want to go to lake today. Cold or not. Get away from doubt time. Maybe I should try wake boarding tonight.  That sure enough would occupy my mind for a while... Until I wake up in the hospital with hypothermia and a broken leg.

Well.....

I received the phone call I have been waiting for six months to hear.   Actually I listened to the voice mail Thursday.

..........People often give platitudes when asking about my cancer and then talking to me about the physical problems that are following. They don't understand.  Or perhaps they are afraid too.  Maybe they think I should just be satisfied I survived.  Maybe they're right.

The results of breast cancer and the vanity that follows?   Chemo and radiation?  I flew through treatments with flying colors.  Very few complications at all.  Dr. Charles, my oncologist, continually told me I "tolerated" chemo very well.  I never really knew if that statement was one of shock or disbelief or one to build confidence.

Breast reconstruction?  Was.  Disastrous.  I never considered myself a vain person which has made the situation even worse.  Guilt of feeling vain for the first time.  Or perhaps I've lied to myself all these years about not being vain and actually am.  Ahhhh...the thoughts that a mind of doubt can create.

Modesty?  Modesty.  I always preferred to strap mine in not push them up.  Strapped in behind turtlenecks.  So thinking about reconstruction was in the back of my mind following the year long treatments.  After they were over I really didn't plan to have the surgery.  Then summer hit.  And hit hard considering there are no clothes suitable for a woman with no breasts.  It was easy to hide a flat chest with a turtleneck and scarf or oversized sweater during the winter months.  Summer?   Everything is tank tops or maxi dresses with scoop necklines.  Of course falsies are out there.  But I wouldn't wear wigs.  There was no way I was going to strap on a pair every morning.  And my luck one would pop out of my bathing suit and float away.

To be truthful?  I was terrified of the surgery.  No fear of pain.  That had past with the surgery to remove my breasts and then more quickly the first time the "poison" was hooked to my chest port.  The fear stemmed from being afraid I'd end up looking even worse than the bare chested person I was.  The steroid puff had deflated and the hair was growing back.  In the end I had became used to my image of what was left in the mirror and the jagged scars across.  And of never taking my t-shirt off.

The vanity also stopped me in my tracks.  Deep down I know reconstruction following breast cancer is not vanity.  But for me it's a hard thing to reconcile, even though friends and family have reassured me, they are separate ideals-reconstruction vs plastic surgery.

So after a lot of deliberating I decided to go ahead with reconstruction.  Dr. Maxwell, from Nashville, created the type of surgery I wanted-TRAM Flap.  It's a very complicated surgery but when performed correctly the results are unbelievable AND you don't have implants.  And I desperately didn't want implants.

Since Dr. Maxwell was so far away and not in my insurance network I decided on a new doctor in Knoxville who was highly recommended.  Long story short?  I'm horribly disfigured from the horrible experience of reconstruction.  Did I say horribly?  Well, I meant horribly so.  Not only of my chest but also my stomach including the belly button I had always considered myself partial too.   I barely look at myself now and never allow Chris too.  And it's been almost two years since the surgery.  I never expected perfection but I never expected this either.

I should have went with Dr. Maxwell in the first place.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda.  But I didn't.  Lesson learned!  This past spring I drove to Nashville for a breast reconstruction revision consultation with Dr. Maxwell.  He is known not only for state of the art research and creation of helping women with breast cancer but of also judging what is best for an individual's body.

Dr. Maxwell suggested the new "gummy bear" implant for my situation.  Only problem-they weren't available through his office at the time of my consult.  Secretly I was probably glad even though I called often throughout the summer to check on the status of my surgery.

Now we are finally around to the well.........Dr. Maxwell's office called from Nashville Thursday to say the new "gummy bear" implants are available.   If I wanted to have the surgery during 2013 December 8th or 18th are available.  My heart, which should have hit a high note, clenched and I got a little sick as I hit the end button.  Then, delete.

Hmmmm....luckily his office is closed on Fridays.  No call had to be made until Monday.  Now, Monday is here.......Decisions to be made, which are easier to put off....but the five year mark is only off two....plus discouragement from fear that the only way forward will end in a result far worse than living with what I have now.

I'm enjoying life again.  Do I want to tamper with that????  2013 is almost over and the past few months have been the best since Easter 2010.  So much so I worry people judge me for all the fun I have.  To that I tell myself I was lain up in a bed for almost two years.  I have the right to feel I deserve a good life and live it.  And geez, maybe someday that will change to the right to feel I don't have to care what others judge as a good life vs a selfish one.


I've only One to answer too.  Not sure how to say this.....I know that I'm going to Heaven.  But I just don't want to "get there".  Hopefully the ultimate judgement will be "well done thou good and faithful servant".  It's the one statement I've longed to hear my whole life.  The only one that in the end matters........

Fishing. ....... Rope

I guess in winter I do water sports like my fishing.   Chris will never let me use his good, expensive lures anytime we fish. I always hang them up. Kinda like I did the wakeboard rope underneath the boat just now. Least he didn't have to cut it....

Crazy??

Am I the crazy one?

Or is he?

Maybe it's both...... ooosh it's cold......

Fun on a crisp November day with cousins....

Knoxville Ice Bears

Tonight is the first game of the 2013-2014 Knoxville Ice Bears season.  We've got season tickets!!!

Chris couldn't come to the game. And everyone I know either had soccer or high high school football to go to.

So....I just came on to the game by myself.  Shucks. If I can go watch the New York Rangers by myself at Madison Square Garden I surely can drive to Knoxville to watch hockey alone.

Supper

Left early. .....Bears were losing. 5-1.  Maybe I shouldn't go to games alone. The Rangers were tied with the Capitals when I was at the New York game.  I had to leave early to get to airport.   Watched the end of the game there. Rangers lost.


Final score...5-2

Bridget's Day

Bridget has had quite a day at work.

This afternoon she was helping an elderly gentleman who had to see the property assessor before he left.  When he came back through the lobby he stopped at Bridget's window and said in a low, sweet, polite voice, "If I drive my antique car in the Christmas parade will you ride in it with me?"  Bridget was sitting at her desk away from her window and didn't hear him very well.  She stood up and walked to her window to ask him what he said.  The man said again very quietly, "If I drive my antique car in the Christmas parade will you ride in it with me?"

Bridget smiled and giggled and said, "You holler back at me."

About 15 minutes late Bridget is saying into the phone, "I only had it a week!  There is no way I could have driven the tires off.  Damage?  I don't think so."  .....and on this went for a minute or so.  Finally Bridget said, "Who is this?!"  Silence.  "Who is this?!"  They hung up.

Bridget was worried for a minute because whoever it was had her cell number and knew she had a rental car this week while her car was in the shop.  Then......she found out it was a joke.  I'm sure she will have revenge soon.


THEN, about ten minutes later Bridget and a friend from another office was walking through the courthouse lobby when a man walked by them and he said, "Ladies you need to spread out.  If they drop a bomb it will kill all the babes in town."  (Not sure who 'they is?)


Wonder what is going to happen in 15 more minutes.........

Halloween 2013

Ex's

Seems I've had a lot of husbands.....and therefore ex-husbands.

Today in my "Crazy Cat Lady" Halloween costume I heard lots of conments like "you look just like my wife" or "you look just like my ex wife".

One man walking through the front door of the court house as I walked by grabbed the door.  He exclaimed "Whew! I thought you was my wife!" And grabbed his chest.

I walked by a man and woman at the clerk's office and the man turned to his wife "you look just like her" to which he got a slap for.

Think the remarks were mostly meant to be insulting toward some wives and ex's.  Guess some guys don't like hair rollers or cats...

Bouncy Seat

Saw one of the cutest most humorous little sights around a couple of hours ago.  My great niece Mallie Belle who is one, jumping in some sort of bouncy seat.  Probably one of those things that maybe you have to see yourself to understand just how cute it was.

I tried to take a video but she would stop and cheese it up when I pulled my phone out.  Hmmmm....could that mean she is used to having a lot of pics taken?  Sweet lil Mallie Belle....



Side note:  Pretty certain I hit a pole cat tonight. Didn't see it but the evidence sure enough has followed me home from Jessie's.

A Long Line

Tonight was an especially hard night for many in our community and a special family.  One of my closest friend's stepson was killed in a car wreck Thursday night.  Tonight was receiving of friends and funeral.  He was only 21.

A long line.  What a showing of respect in our area.  During times like this I often wonder what funerals are like in other places.  Other than the South.  Deep bonds of family and friendship run around here.  I'm sure other places too.  Maybe death is mourned the same "here" and "there".  Here you don't even have to know the person who passed away.  But respect of someone you love and care for who did know the one who died?  That makes you go to the receiving of friends.  To show you're thinking of them in one of the worst points of their lives.  Wonder if it's that's so "there"......

Heartbreaking.  So heartbreaking looking around while in line.  Looking up to the end of the line where my friend and her husband, the boy's daddy, stood along with the mom.   Looking at them I was teary eyed before I was half way there.  Their faces were tired.  Tight at times.  Tight from exhaustion of tears but I feel also tight from smiling through the tears.  Pretending to be strong while everything falls apart around them.

Three little girls.  Tiny little girls.  Little girls who have lost their brother.  There is nothing that can be said about that.  No words......just sorrow for their little hearts.

Boys.  I see lots of boys.  They are probably 18, 19, 20, 21, 22 and so forth.  But boys none-the-less.  Their faces were....I don't even know the word I'm searching.....sullen?  That isn't quite right.  Sad.  Maybe just sad.  And a little frightened.  Frightened of the unknown, frightened about not knowing what to do or how to react or what to say.  Most have never been in this place in life before.

At funerals you hear so many different expressions.  You hear a lot of "too young" or "so young".  People who know our family still say my brother who died in 1979 was "too young" at age 27.  My mother died when she was 56.  Those who knew her say she was "so young".  My dad was 80 when he died.  His death was the most recent but I really don't remember what people said his dying.  Maybe they were just very saddened about his passing.  Or maybe people just don't know what to say when an old person dies.  I don't know.  All I know that watching a family struggle with loss, no matter what the age of the person who died.........sucks.

got milk?

Driving the back roads near our house there is a surprise around one corner. On the silo of one of our neighbors dairy are lights which spell out "got milk?".

The road with the silos is seldom traveled.  Which makes the sight of the sign even more special.  It's just out in the middle of nowhere so it seems as if it's meant just for you.  I'm always disappointed when driving that back road if the sign isn't glowing.  Tonight I wasn't disappointed.

Flashback

Flashback 2012

My first and only thus far breast cancer walk/fundraiser.

"Making Strides for Breast Cancer"

(I think that was the name?)

Amber, Bridget, Me and Linda
I got some prizes for being a survivor.  Who
knew there were perks?  Well, there were at
times.  Like when I was bald and went
through the drive thru at Krystals.  I got
all the ketchup and salt I wanted. No questions.

Bridget came up with "Stridin' for Marna"
For our shirts

Some of the walking. I could NOT keep
up with Amber and Bridget.  Esp Amber.
She finished a mile ahead of us.  At one
point I did try to speed up.  Problem?
They sped up too! 

Farmer Charlie!!! (Who is that anyway?)

Bridget, Me and Amber

Amber and Bridget signing us in.

Loved the face painting!

Work. Everyone working at the courthouse
has been so supportive of me.  They all
bought shirts for the fundraiser.  Some
even walked.