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For those following my breast cancer journey since 2010, hopefully my last, please last, surgery is Wednesday in Nashville.  It's a reconstruction revision to heal the horrendous mess of a reconstruction from two years ago.

The decision to go through this surgery has taken two years since the last.  A couple of weeks ago was my pre-op in Nashville.  My sister Lynette and Tanner drove me and waited patiently all day through all the appointments.  The minute we left Nashville I wanted to cancel.  Usually it's where I want to eat lunch that is the struggle.  Serious plans such as this?  Once I decide and set the plans in life I go forward.  I feel obligated to not turn back.

Since that December 2nd appointment I've been in turmoil. One half of the day I'm ready, the other half I'm ready to cancel.  This has gone on and on and on.  I believe I almost have an ulcer.  Questions about different reasons why I shouldn't have the surgery and worry have overcome me.  And I'm generally not a worrier.  I don't like to waste time on worry.  Does no good anyway.

The first reconstruction surgery was a very big one.  This one will not be.  Compare 14 hours in the operating room to 3 this time.  Big difference.  The first surgery, once decided, I was ready for.  Scared but ready and eager to get it over with.  This one?  Ready to cancel from day one from setting up the operating room date and time.

I believe part of the problem is the not wanting of implants.  The first surgery didn't require those and therefore of no thought or concern.  This one will require them.  Part of the problem, and I believe the biggest, is fear of having large breasts.  This terrifies me.  I was a full C before cancer.  I do not want to be that again.  I love winter because I'm a turtleneck kinda girl.  I hate cleavage.   I'm unlike any patient the doctor has ever worked with-I almost guarantee it.  Even breast cancer reconstruction patients.

The surgery isn't in order to look better in clothes or for people.  My sister is trying to keep me positive about the upcoming surgery and said "think how much fun you'll have buying new clothes!".  I think she forgets I hate shopping and I'm modest.  But she says I might find I like new types of clothes, like v necks, and enjoy shopping.  Maybe she is right.  We'll see....

I called the doctor's office Friday about my fears and sent an email.  The research assistant called me and told me she had spoken with Dr. Maxwell and he wants to see me for one last consult on Tuesday before Wednesday.  When she call I instantly knew I wouldn't cancel.  I'll live through the breast and stomach drains.  And the pain.  I feel that he will take my needs and desires about size and reasons for the surgery into consideration. (I always thought he would but now feel absolutely sure of.)

Chris and I are going to the Nashville Predators game Tuesday night.  Hoping for a nice distraction from the last journey ahead.  And that the good mood I'm in from actually getting to go to a hockey game will keep me from backing out of the surgery on Wednesday.  Predators!  You better win so I'm in that good mood!!!

I'll report back throughout the week.  Mostly on the hockey game I'm sure.  Pray for me and my family.  Pray for strength and peace and that we'll not have the problems of two years ago.  Pray for the surgeons hands and healing of my body.  Pray for blessings to my family and friends for all they have endured with patience and love and time spent on my care for three years.  And pray I'll be able to find some sort of and be able to stomach massive doses of protein-which helps wounds heal.