The Big C

The Big C.  The call that no one wants to hear, either it's you getting the call saying "you have cancer" or it's a call to you from a family member that says "I have cancer".  I don't know everything about cancer.  I am not a doctor.  Everyone's cancer is different.  But here are a few things I've learned that worked for me personally dealing with my breast cancer.  There were many things no one warned me about that I'd wish I'd known to prepare for.

1.  Doctor you like.  I'm so thankful that God hooked me up with a doctor I liked.  No, I can say I love Dr. Charles.  He was wonderful.  Little stuffy at first, but I think he lightened up at the end.  I made sure of it.

2.  Positive Attitude. I worked hard to keep a positive attitude.  This is something that can be more difficult for some that others. But it can be achieved.  I looked at cancer as a bump in the road.  As a temporary thing that was happening to me in my life.  I always remembered there were people worse off than I.  Things people have to learn to deal with and live with the rest of their lives.  I think I cried over having cancer about 5 times through the process.  

In room after recovery for
mastectomy. All I needed was
popcorn to go with the Propel.

3.  Being Nice.  I had bad days.  Sure.  But I tried my best not to take my bad days out on other people.  It wasn't their fault.  I remember a lady came into the clinic one day.  She was rude to everyone in the waiting room.  Mean to the receptionist.  When she went to the back she was mean to the nurse.  I thought to myself, everyone here is having a tough time.  It's not the nurse's fault, the receptionist fault, or our fault. Attitude is the biggest responsibility in someone's life, no matter what the situation is.  It's my choice how I treat others.  No matter what I'm going through in my life, it's still my choice in how I treat others.

4. Appointments.  I always took Chris with me to my appointments or a family member.   The shock, especially during the first appointments, is so great that you may forget important things that your doctor tells you.  The person you take may be able to ask questions you may not think about.  Chris was amazing at my appointments.  He asked several questions that when they came out of his mouth I looked at him and thought, wow, I can't believe you even thought to ask that.  I never would have.

Some of the nieces

5. Chemo Port at time of Surgery.  I went through Thompson Breast Center.  I had my biopsy then got the call with the diagnosis.  Thompson's has a team approach to treatment that I loved.  Every Friday a team of all their oncologists, radiologists, surgeons, nutritionists, etc. met to discuss all new breast cancer patients. Then the next week I came in and met the ones that the team thought would best suit my case.  So in one day I met my team.  And heard their suggestions.  The doctors knew as soon as I had the biopsy I had HER2 positive, Estrogen positive and Progesterone positive breast cancer and the grade.  But not the stage.  The doctors knew I'd need mastectomy, chemo and radiation from the biopsy results.  My suggestion is to find out ASAP, before surgery, if you have to have chemo and if so a port.  Most doctors will know right away.  (I think.)  I'm not a doctor so I cannot speak for certain.  My point is, if you have to have a port, ask them to put the port in at the time of the mastectomy if at all possible.  They put my port in when I had my mastectomy and I am so thankful.  In my opinion if you know you have to have a port go ahead and have it done with your mastectomy.  Why be put under and have two surgeries when it may not be necessary if they can be performed at the same time.  Plus you can start your chemo faster than delaying treatment while waiting to heal from a mastectomy then waiting to heal from a port insertion surgery.

6. I'm so thankful I had the chemo port.  My doctor's really didn't give me a choice since I had to have six rounds of chemo and 12 rounds of Herceptin.  A port is a scary thing.  But was my best friend.  There were no worries about going to chemo and worrying about being stuck or worrying if they would find a vein.

(Chemo is extremely hard on your veins.)  The only big problem that I ran into with the port was with my seat belt.  My seat belt crossed my chest right where my port sat.  This was fixed by taking a clip and clipping my seat belt to the side.  Worked perfectly to reduce the friction.

7. Gowns.  I wish someone had told me to have button up or zip up gowns after my mastectomy.  I was not able to lift my arms to pull on tee-shirts or pull over gowns for quite some time.  So button ups are a necessity.  A tight fitting mastectomy undershirt also felt wonderful.

8. Drain Tubes.  I had two drain tubes-one for each side- following surgery.  I was scared to death of these!  I'd never dealt with drain tubes on myself or anyone else.  I was constantly afraid I would move wrong and yank them out of my body.  Which I am sure would be painful.  And then have to have them put back in, which, would definitely be painful!  I would stick the drain tubes in pockets of my clothes but they kept sliding out. My nephew Jamey brought me a tool belt from Tate's to stick my drain tubes in.  Worked like a charm!  If a tool belt is too redneck for you a fanny pack would also work wonderfully.  And they both fit underneath clothing and go un-noticed.  Another trick is to safety pin the tubing underneath your shirt or into your pocket. 

9.  First Round.  I wish I had prepared myself to be scared that first round of chemo.  I was nervous and wished I had asked more questions about what to expect prior to that first round.  It was a giant room with chair beside chair beside chair.  No privacy.  I was terrified, completely terrified I would vomit in front of a room full of strangers!  I hate throwing up in front of anyone!  Much less in front of 50 strangers!  But chemo is quite different from the olden days--the anti nausea meds are great!  People don't get sick quite like then.  Some do!!!  Depends on the chemo.  But I never saw anyone vomiting in the chemo ward.  So that was a fear I should have not had or not have had so strongly.  I almost made myself sick from the thought of being sick!  

10.  First Round.  The scary part for me was when I got home.  I settled into my recliner.  After a few hours I would feel something in my body feeling different than normal.  Then some sound.  Then something else.  I thought to myself "Is that supposed to do that?"  "Is that sound normal?"  Then I thought to myself, "I just put a ton of poison into my body.  There is no way to get it out."  That was a scary time.  I has six rounds of chemo.  After the second those fears were rested somewhat.  I came to know what to expect.

11.  Nausea.  I had my chemo on a Thurs for the first few times.  Then tried to be back at work on Monday.  I always assumed because I made it through 5 days or so that I would be fine till be next round in three weeks.  No always so.  I went to Walmart the week after my first and became very ill in the bathroom.  I wondered if I was going to make it out!  lol  I think I had so much anti nausea meds the week of chemo I did okay but those had worn off the middle of the next week.

12.  Use meds on time, before you hurt.  I wish I had used my meds more often.  I am a med hoarder.  I am so afraid of running out of medicine that I won't use much.  I keep thinking "well, I might be sicker in a few days and then be out."  My niece who is a pharmacist would get aggravated and tell me the doctors would give me more.  I should have listened.  Not that anything was un-bearable.  

My nephew. UT football game.
My horrible steroid puff!

13.  Weight.  I assumed I would lose a lot of weight.  Often the opposite happens--depending on the type of chemo drugs.   I was on high, high doses of steroids.  I gained 20 pounds on chemo.  So my wardrobe was completely unprepared.  And I didn't feel like shopping.  The un-expected weight gain was emotionally hard to cope with.

14.  Ask for help.   I wish I hadn't been afraid to ask for more help.  This is a big hang up of mine.  Having friends, family and neighbors coordinate to fix some meals for your family is a huge help.  If not to the patient then to the family. 

15.  Food.  Food tastes different from before.  I tried to not eat a lot of things that I loved. If it had tasted yucky or if I had gotten physically ill after eating it I my not have liked it after finishing treatment.   But I pretty much ate anything and everything in sight.  Steroid hunger is torture!

16.  Water.  I wish I had stayed more hydrated.  But liquids tasted soooo bad.

17.  Exercise.  I wish I had forced myself or had someone force me to exercise.  Nothing hard!  Just walking a mile two or three times a week. 

18.  Plastic silverware.  I stocked up on plastic silverware before my first chemo.  Certain kinds of chemo give you a metallic taste to your mouth.  Plastic helps lesson that to a degree.

19.  Wigs.  I hated them!  I ended up buying four.  I wore a wig maybe three times during the whole time of being bald.  Thank goodness good friends gave me many presents of scarves. Unbelievable, but the ones to wrap your hair in are quite hard to find.

20.  I only half way believed the Dr. Charles when he said at day 12 (or maybe day 14 I can't remember) my hair would fall out.  I had the hope that no, it wouldn't.  The day Dr. Charles said is the day my hair started coming out it did--in clumps.  I didn't realize I would have to continue to shave my head throughout the whole time of treatment.  I looked like a mangy dog unless I kept  my head shaved.  Large sections stayed slick bald.  Some other smaller ones grew stuble. 

21.  Smell.  My sense of smell changed.  I remember Amber and Chris taking me to the Outback to eat one night.  I walked in and the smell was disgusting.  I kept asking Amber and Chris if they smelled something bad.  That is the first time I realized that my smell was being affected.

22.  Neulasta shot.  My insurance paid for all but about $80 of the shot if I took it at home.  The shot was free if I went to the doctor's office.  This shot is a $4,000 shot.  I didn't feel like driving back to Knoxville the day after chemo.  Ask you doctor if your insurance will pay for someone to give it to you at home if you would like.  I readily paid the $80 to keep from spending two hours on the road and an hour in the doctor's office the day after chemo when I felt yucky.  

23.  Neulasta shot.  This shot put me in the bed for sure, perhaps just as much as the chemo.  After you receive the shot your body goes through a painful process.  Luckily a friend had warned me.

24.  Clariton.  Taking Clariton helped with some of the side effects of treatment.

Horrible acne after !st Chemo!
Perhaps roughest emotional thing.

25.  ACNE!  Who would think acne would be/could be a side effect?  It can be.  And of course who would get acne as a side effect?  ME!  It was HORRIBLE!!  Horrible acne.  I looked in the mirror the Saturday after my first round and thought "Oh my, I'm 13 again!"  And I hated being 13.....

26.  Brown Spots.  Chemo makes your skin very thin as it kills fast growing cells and skin is a fast growing cell.  I had started getting a few small brownish age spots on my face the past few years.  Well, chemo allowed those to take over my face.

My great niece at Christmas with my
chemo curls. My hard was curly & jet
black when growing out. 

27.  Chemo curls.  My hair came back a completely different texture and with wavy curls.  Be ready for a new color and new texture.  Lots of adjustments on fixing hair. I had looked forward to having some curl.  This curl was not my 80's curls. These were uncontrollable!  I hate it-couldn't style at all!

28.  Dentist.  I made sure to have my teeth cleaned well before starting treatment.  You can't have any cleaning done while on chemo or radiation.

29.  Magic Mouthwash.  I had never had heartburn in my life but got it my fourth round of chemo.  I thought here I've made it through four rounds of chemo without ending up at the emergency room and I'm going to end up there because of heartburn!  It was torture.  Magic Mouthwash did the trick.  It totally numbs your throat.  Just...be.....careful how you swallow.  The Magic Mouthwash will also numb your lips and tongue.  Learned that the hard way......not fun!

30.  Advice.  I got lots of advice from people who had been through chemo or had friends/family who had.  I ran everything by my doctor first.  Being in treatment and taking those drugs are hard on your system.  One of my chemos had to be postponed due to my liver enzymes.  Being very careful about mixing medications and vitamins and herbs is of upmost importance.  My liver was being taxed already.  I had to be careful about further hardships as I didn't want to create permanent liver damage.

31.  Phantom pain. Phantom itching.  Those things don't just happen to those who lose a hand or a foot or a leg or an arm.  Women who lose breasts can also sometimes experience phantom pain or itching.  Be ready so it's not so scary or aggravating should it happen.

Friends at Hiwassee College
"Denim & Diamonds"
fundraiser for equine. 

There are many other things that worked for me during treatment.  Or that I discovered that helped with problems.  I may update my list later. 

My sister. Dolly concert

Oh....one last thing.  Surround yourself with friends and familyand fun and laughter.  It will lighten the load of living a kindanightmare you thought you'd never star in.

Nieces & nephew.
Third Day concert.

Friend Kelley. Out to dinner

Country Strong

(Just a movie with my silly rambling thoughts which are by no means “right” opinions)

When “Country Strong” hit the movie theaters I watched it three times.  Now it’s released on Directv so I’ve once again been sucked back in to the story.  I’m not sure I can narrow down specifically why I enjoy the movie so much but there are several reasons.  My musical tastes are very eclectic.  I like a wide range including country music.  I very much enjoyed the music in “Country Strong”.  The actors all had strong voices and the music seemed more traditional, “real”, country music.  So music was one appeal.

The actors also interested me.  I thought the movie was well cast.  I’ve always like Gwyneth Paltrow as an actress and was quite impressed with the acting abilities of Tim McGraw.  Leighton Meester.  I had no idea who she was when I saw the movie.  However, I quickly became a fan of both her acting skills and her voice.  And of course Beau.  He fit his character well.  And his songs were great.

However the story is what appealed to me the most and drew me in.   To many the movie was hokey and silly.   But the underlying messages really appealed to the part of me that served in social work so many years.

I loved the hot mess that was Kelly.  Perhaps she typifies the average “star” in today’s world.  All caught up in the money, fame, glory, attention, everything that would define a “star’s” life. 

The dynamic of her relationships and the obvious mental illness that haunted her was intriguing.  Kelly, an addict who seemed to me to also be suffering from some type of mental illness, drew everyone into her disease.  Beau, who worked in the rehab facility into which Kelly was placed, was drawn by Kelly into her world of addiction and mental illness.  Addicts tend to be pretty good manipulators.   Kelly needed someone on the inside of her treatment facility she could have on her side.  Beau turned out to be the perfect enabler while in treatment.

Beau thought he could save Kelly.  I believe he saw James as a heartless husband who was only interested in Kelly’s breadwinning abilities.  Beau was young and stupid.  Someone with addiction and mental illness issues such as Kelly—love…… well….. it takes more than love to help that person deal with the demons inside.  Beau had no idea.   I think he realized on the bus, after catching Kelly with the sleazy promoter, that Kelly was extremely troubled.  More troubled than what he was equipped to handle.  He realized James had spent years of cleaning up Kelly’s messes.  Just as James had to care for the baby quail Kelly had picked up.  (The quail in a way represented the way James had to care for Kelly.)

By the end of the movie I believe Beau saw how sick Kelly really was.  And perhaps became to understand somewhat the torture that a husband such as James goes through year after year, trying to keep the one they love from falling into the deepest crevices of illness.  James was an ill equipped enabler who perhaps thought that keeping Kelly on the stage and performing would bring back the “old” Kelly.  But Kelly had lost Kelly.  The things which she had loved and made her who she was were gone.  She was lost to the mental illness and self-medicating addictions.

Every family has a loved one somewhere who suffers from some sort of addiction or a mental illness.   We all do.   It’s hard to know how to help those we love.  Some types of treatment work for some and some for others.  For some no type of treatment seem to help.  Kelly in “Country Strong” couldn’t get away from hers demons.  Perhaps Kelly didn’t want to.  At times she seemed to enjoy the torture she put James through with no regard to his feelings as she carried on her affairs and lived her life just as she wished to live it.   Each time Kelly messed up in the movie you could see the plea in her eyes as she looked to James to save her, fix her, clean up her mess as he always did.  And you would see the disheartened despair in James’ eyes as he was probably thinking please not again….

Wall Flower

Often many people confuse shyness with introversion.  They are not the same thing though many think they are.  Introverts may be shy but generally they are not.  Mostly they are loners-or prefer to generally do things alone.  They are more reserved, not as outgoing as others and may have fewer friends, mostly from preference.  Many times they prefer to do more on their own and put less importance on social activities.  Introverts generally do better in situations/work when they are alone.  It’s not that they are shy, that is just how they like life to be.

 

Extraverts are outgoing, very social, daring, speak their mind more readily, and enjoy excitement.  They like being involved with other people and do not perform as well in situations/work where they are alone.  My husband is the perfect example of an extravert.

Those who are shy usually are not introverted.  Most people lump the two together and assume they are the same thing, but again, they are not.  Shy people very, very much want to be a part of the “social” scene and have friends.  But they may not have the social skills or may have a personality that leans towards shyness.  This can set up hardship for them to be involved with others socially.

I’ve taken the Myer’s Brigg test several times throughout my life.  I am always split exactly down the middle of being an extravert and introvert.  My behavior for each depends on the situation in which I’m involved.  But the thing I am the most positive about is my shyness, which is not tested for as part of the Myer's Brigg.  Shyness has been an extremely difficult thing for me to deal with my entire life.   

When I was small I was outgoing, spoiled and a huge pest—to a certain age.  Then shyness took over with extended family and then more so with people I didn’t know.  I think I was shy to some extent in some situations from as long as I can remember.  I can remember hiding behind my mother from shyness.   The shyness became worse after my brother died when I was 7.  Then other things through teen years, which are hard years anyway, added to the problem.  I always desperately wanted to be more social, to have more friends.  But I was petrified of certain situations and hated school. (I could write a whole book on hating school, book 5.) 

It is a hard thing to admit you’re shy.  Shy people are often seen as weak. I’m afraid some people perceive me as aloof or not friendly.  At times in my life people have told me they heard I wasn’t a friendly person.  It hurts to be perceived in that way, mostly because I do care so deeply for everyone, even those I do not know.  Hence the reason I was a social worker for so many years.

After I know someone the shyness usually wears off.  But until then it’s very hard for me to get involved in social situations.  Chris has been great blessing for me.  He puts me at ease by taking center stage in social situations and he does things I would never do.   To an extent I can live vicariously through him.  Chris is very much a social butterfly!!  Whereas I am the wall-flower. 

I can I remember when my momma worked as a teacher’s aid while I was in high school.  She worked at the vocational school with the resource class.  Everyday they walked to my high school to have lunch.  My momma told me one day I was a wall flower—she had seen me from a distance down a hallway.  Momma said I just blended into the wall.   She often worried about my bashfulness.  

While in high school I had several teachers tell me “Oh, Marna, I wish all my students were like you.  Never talking too much in class.”  Of course I didn’t.  Even if I had a question I would never raise my hand.  Then I went to college.  I had a professor who told me one day that she wished I would speak out more in class.   I told her what some of my high school teachers had said to me, which I always took as a compliment.  She said, “Oh, no!  Marna I want to hear your opinion.  I want you to contribute.”

My oldest sister raised horses and I have always loved them.  A few years after Chris and I were married I began competing in some horse shows.  I really enjoyed being at home and getting ready with my horse.  And enjoyed some aspects of the shows.  Especially how great and friendly everyone was.  However I’m just not competitive and I think some of that stems from my shyness.  I didn’t like the feeling I got when I won nor did I like the feeling when I lost.  When I was young my momma would always try and get me to try different clubs and activities.  I never stayed with anything over a couple of years.  Which I think is similar to my horse show experiences—I was too shy to enjoy competition.

Nowadays, I think my mother in Heaven looks down on amazement that I actually managed to conquer many fears related to shyness and graduate with my Master’s Degree and only lacking 6 hours of course work toward a second.  Especially after the hard time I gave her about hating school and being so bashful.  (I think shyness will be the sixth book I’ll write.  Now, where is my ghostwriter……)

Shyness, bashfulness, being backward will always be an issue for me.  Sometimes a situation is easier to fight my way through than others and I win.  But sometimes I lose.  The key is that the older I get the easier it is for me to cope with those times I’ve lost.

There once was a woman....

This was on the wall of the 2nd waiting room before radiation.   Love it so much.

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she only had three hairs on her head. “Well”, she said, “I think I’ll braid my hair today.” So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. “Hmmm”, she said, “I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today.” So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. “Well”, she said, “Today I’m going to wear my hair in a pony tail.” So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head. “YAY!” she exclaimed. 

“I don’t have to fix my hair today!”

Anonymous

Words To Live By

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about the people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it into your future. Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. A sharp tongue can cut my own throat. If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep. Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most important. The best vitamin for making friends….B1. The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts. The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge. One thing I can give and still keep….is my word. I lie the loudest when I lie to myself. If I lack the courage to start, I have already finished. One thing I can't recycle is wasted time. Ideas won't work unless "I" do. My mind is like a parachute….it functions only when open. The 10 Commandments are not multiple choice. The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what I might have been. Life it too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the one's who don't. Believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason and is controlled by God. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes you life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would by worth it. Friends are like balloons, once you let them go, you might not get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away. Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and what's wrong. Sometimes we just don't want to realize what real friendship means until it is too late. Don't live in the past or the future but live today. In order to keep from mistakes and wrongs from happening again, remember the past but don't let it consume your future. 

Do You See Him Through Me?

Do you see Him through me? It's a question I have asked myself for many years. My deepest hope is thru my life others will come to Christ. Many trials and tribulations have come into my life. Each of a different origin. Each a different thing. Sometimes emotional, sometimes physical, some brought on by myself. During each I try to meet with faith that God knows where I am and has a plan for what is going on in my life. I am not perfect, don't claim to be, will never be. I've been bad in my relationships with my family and friends. Done many things wrong to family and friends. But luckily most have been able to move beyond and forgive me for those wrongs.

In my weak times I begin to wonder if I am an especially bad person whom God needs to discipline to keep my eye on the prize. I can be full of pride, jealousy, greedy, gluttonous, hateful, spiteful, lazy, apathetic at times, hateful, moody. So many things that many people struggle with as well. I'm a child of God. God, as a parent, must discipline His children when they do wrong. Just as parents must discipline their own children. 

I don't want it to seem that I believe that God is a God with an iron hand just waiting to thwack anyone who gets out of line. It isn't like that. God loves us. He wants us to make good choices, go down the right roads. Sometimes when we sin God will put us back in line. Just as a good parent must do with their own children.

And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. Luke 22:31. Sometimes this is what I wonder about-does satan wish to sift me as wheat?

The thing I've desired more than anything in my life, since I was a small child was to be used to Glorify God. For Him to use me in a way or ways to show Himself thru me. I've had many, many, many, many trials of everything you could imagine. I feel I've done an okay with my faith. Not so good at allowing those trials to be shared.

For years I've ask God to use me in a way that many could see Him thru me. Ever heard the song 'Jesus Bring The Rain". I've had some of things happen on small scales. I've had some on big scales. I've prayed to God for something to happen that would be big scale for witnessing and showing His life in me. That I am nothing without Him. Now I have breast cancer. Wow, this could be something God will use. I know he will if I will let Him. If I stay strong, keep the faith, look for the good in the situation. And there is much good in this situation. Do you see Him thru me? Don't see me. See Him. 

This is a big opportunity, my breast cancer, to show others the great things God has done for me. I have failed, utterly failed if people do not see Him thru me and get curious about why I love my Lord. I have a relationship with him. My biggest hope when I die is to walk before Him, or crawl, or fall down before Him or whatever I'll do because I'll have no idea what I would do. And to hear Him saw "Well done my good and faithful servant." Oh, how I hope to hear that!!!!!!

I would not change one thing in my life. Even the trials and bad that has fallen my way. My experiences are who make me Marna. And my reactions to all those trials give me the opportunity to let His light shine.

This Journey

This journey has made me reflect on the value of time and family and friends. And reminds me of the many Blessings from each that God has placed in my life. This note isn't going to ebb and flow-it's just a simple thought and thanks.

My husband amazes me. He asks the doctors such good, really good questions. Things I would never think to ask. I've looked over at him shocked in many of the meetings with doctors. Just thinking, wow, how did he think to ask that? And the look in his eye today at in the office when the bandages came off....... I had no doubts when I looked into his....I didn't even need to look down as the doctor cut away.........I'm so proud I have him to take care of me. 

My sister Lynette. How would have I made it thus far in life without her? No one will ever know all that she has done for me since our mom died. I was only 18. She lost mom too. Net never looked back as she took over my care. From graduation gowns to wedding dresses to this journey......

Sharon, my oldest sister. The leader. She make sure things are in order. What would have I done without that bed she insisted I have this week?

God blessed me in my sister in law and mother in law and all the Hull's. Mama Hull reminds me much of my mom in her Christian walk. Although I had only dated Chris for about four months when mama died she took right over after that mother's day 1990. I had my own precious, precious mama for 18 years. I've had Chris's mom for 20 now. I know not all are lucky enough to have those loving relationships--with their own mama and much less a mother in law.

Bridget, Chris's sister, walks with me daily. She is my eager ear. No one had better mess with me when Bridget is around. She is my lioness, ever knowing just when to step in. Even when I am not aware.

Net is my right arm, Bridget is my left. 

Who else? My nieces. What fun they are. All so different. All bring something different to the table. All make me feel like I can let my sarcastic humor fly and give it right back in such a loving way. 


Tanner, a special nephew with too many things to be grateful for in my relationship with him to even begin to write down.  That'll be another blog.
Jamey and Jennifer. Jamey, he may be my nephew by blood but he is truly my brother in heart. And for him to have married Jennifer??!!! My BFF all through school?? God had a sense of humor and a plan to never part Jennifer and I. 

My friends.....so many. Old and new. 

Old who are always there. Even if I haven't talked to them in five years. They drop it all to come. Come and bring me Olive Garden, food, popcorn, water. Clean my house. Wash my clothes.

New ones, who listen on text messaging and face book and bring me games and PJs...and of course water, propel and popcorn. 

My Lord and Savior who even in my flesh moments reminds me that day by day He will see me through. His timing is ever perfect. I have seen it so. He reminds me to take things day by day. Days always change. Tomorrow might be better than today. The next might be worse than yesterday. Things always will change. But He will always, always be there. There is the peace. The peace that came a minute after the first shower. 

This feels like a academy award speech......there is no way to mention everything and everyone knows how awful those speeches really are! But I can only say, once again, God has richly, richly blessed me beyond what I deserve. 

This could be like my "I Believe" notes. There is so much I've left off......But then that is the start. This journey is just another chapter for my book! The book where you will read more about that first shower. 

Now, who will be my ghostwriter??? There is much to tell. And much to give thanks for. 

Thank you and I love you all. I feel your prayers.
Marna

I prefer sneakers to high heels, turtlenecks to tank tops. I like my bras to pull me in not push me up. Pizza isn't at the top of my food choice but love Bert's buffalo chicken. Jeans over khakys and dry cleaning over ironing. Cheeseburger and fries are my favorite food and I was always a cheap date--I don't like steak. I would rather wash dishes in the sink than in the dishwasher. Showers are better for me than a bath. Although a soak is nice from time to time. My preference would be to keep the barn clean over keeping the house clean. I would rather kill mice with poison than a trap. I believe in faith in Truth rather than science. Letting someone else make decisions is easier than picking things for myself. History novels and Expository Christian books to romance novels. Praying over hoping, ignorance instead of the cold hard truth. Talks with individuals over parties with many. Sitting on the side line cheering, not performing. Boxing over football, ice hockey over basket ball. NFL football over college ball. Helping others rather than pitying them. Keeping arguments in a relationship private rather than airing to friends. Working hard rather than cheating. Selflessness over pride......

.......the last is a hard preference to live up too. Or is the proper word to?

M&M Analogy

Down the hall and around the corner several times a day temptation at the M&M machine awaits. Glancing at the machine I think how great those M&Ms would taste. In the beginning and many days even now I overcome the temptation. I tell myself that M&Ms are bad for my hips. The thousands of germs on the machine put my health at risk as well. However, day after day the ill effects have not happened......no flu or cold, not much weight gain.

More than the taste of M&Ms compels me to use a quarter. The drive and the excitement come from the thrill of seeing how many M&Ms I will get each time, hoping for the magic number 9. This is my "scientific experiment". My excuse. 

In the beginning I only glanced at the machine as I walked down the hallway. Then a longer look. Then longer. Pretty soon that looking gave way to getting. Now, no matter where I go, when I see an M&M machine the excitement wells up within. The thrill of continuing my quest for nine M&Ms.

I think of the M&M machine is an analogy of the sin and evil which pervades our lives and those around us. Sin and temptation begin with a look. Then a taste. Just to see what it’s like. Then a lie to yourself that this will be a one time thing. Then maybe nothing bad happens the first time, the second time, the hundredth time. However, gratification becomes harder to find. More extreme measures are taken to achieve the first few “highs”. The high of cheating on your spouse, abusing drugs or alcohol, domestic violence, cheating on a test, telling a lie, betraying a friend, telling a secret, sexual sins. Whatever the sin, Satan tries to trap us with one sin. If that doesn’t work he’ll try something else. Satan will pull us as deep in as we’ll go.

Evil searches for us. We must use the brain God blessed us with to realize and remember to run from temptation and keep ourselves from evil. Life is not about getting what we want and what feels good to us. Always remembering how our decisions and behavior affects those around us, from those we supposedly love to the stranger on the street should be our goal. Realizing those choices affect life not only here but in the ever after.

Fresh Sheets

Memories. Funny how they crop up at unexpected times. While putting fresh sheets on this evening I suddenly remembered being young and momma flipping the sheets "just right". So right they covered the bed instantly in one flip. I absolutely loved jumping under that perfect flip! Much to momma's dismay.

Purple Martins

Purple Martins. I grew up watching them fly around our yard & nesting in the gourds Daddy grew. Momma & Daddy loved sitting out in the yard and watching the birds every afternoon. Can it be true that momma has been gone almost 20 years & Daddy a year? The purple martins always fly around the tractor as I bush hog, eating the bugs that fly up. I smile. Maybe the memories of purple martins is partly why I love to bushhog....

Skeeter

Watched the new movie "Marley and Me" after church this afternoon. We got there about 15 minutes before it started but the theater was already almost full. We had to sit in the third row. I always hate sitting that close as it's hard to see the screen well at that angle. The movie was one of the better movies I have seen in a while. I highly suggest seeing it. I am not a big Owen Wlison fan but he was great in this movie. I did ball my eyes out. For a dog lover such as myself it was so emotional at the end. Even if you don't like dogs the movie is so well done it will move you.

Having lost several dogs through the years I could just feel what the owners went through. Especially remembering the best dog I have ever owned. Skeeter. He was one of about 7 Australian Shepherds I have owned in my life. He was the best. A red tri with one ear that stuck straight up in the air. I tried everything in my power to get that ear to lay down like it should but nothing worked.

My oldest sister has raised and shown Aussies since the year I was born-1971. She gave me Skeeter when I was in high school in 1987 or 1988. I didn't have a dog at that time and needed one. I don't think I could live without one. Sharon probably couldn't sell Skeeter because of his ear thus a perfect gift to little sister. I won though. Skeeter was the coolest dog and became my best friend.

In his younger years he loved herding my neighbors dairy cattle--much to their chargin and mine. His dam had been a champion herding dog in Georgia and Skeeter inherited his mama's instincts. Skeeter was fairly talented-he was good at getting the cattle round up but didn't know what to do with them. He ended up with a pretty bad broken front leg after one herding attempt. Think that broke him thank goodness. 

My bedroom was in the basement of the house I grew up in. Skeeter would stay in my bedroom every night until I went to sleep. Then he would sneak off my bed and upstairs to sleep at the foot of my mother's bed. When Mom died in 1990 Skeeter kept doing that for a while. Until he finally realized she wouldn't be back. He then slept with me all night.

Aussies are one family dogs and Skeeter was quite protective of me. Chris and I started dating in 1990. Skeeter was about 2 years old or so. Chris and I could not wrestle or play. Skeeter would get aggressive toward Chris. Skeeter knew if I was home alone and he also hated the sound of big trucks. He would chase them every day. Two of my friends drove big trucks, Robbie and Bob. Every time they would come to my house to visit Skeeter would put them back in the truck until I came outside. One day Bob was driving by my house and Skeeter ran out to chase him. Before Bob could see him he ran flat over Skeeter. He was in rough shape--the dog and Bob. The vet, Dr. Kefauver, did not think Skeeter would make it through the night. His head was the size of a basketball. I remember going to see him at the vet clinic. He was laying in the kennel crate and perked up when I came in. Skeeter had dried caked blood all over. I cried and cried. But the next day he was on the road to recovery.

Skeeter was about 15/16 years old when he died. Very old for an Aussie. He had been having some heart and hip trouble for a couple years but I just couldn't make the decision to put him down. I kept thinking "he'll let me know when it's time". One weekend in 2004 I was supposed to go to Sarasota, FL to show my mare in a cow horse show. For some reason I just didn't want to go. I was hauling my mare for a national title and leading so had a big incentive to go show. But just didn't feel like it. On Sunday afternoon Chris and I came home. Skeeter was laying in the front yard and couldn't move. He was in bad, bad shape. I knew it was time. Chris called the vet. He came out to our farm. I was sitting in the front yard holding Skeeter. Crying hysterically. The vet said some kind words and gave Skeeter the shot. It was a horrible, horrible day. I sat with him a good length of time after the vet left. I have always cried at the loss of a pet. But never like I did over my Skeeter. Chris buried him on the back of our farm after I was able to let go. I couldn't watch that part. I was just thankful to God that He had kept me from going to that horse show. If I had gone then Skeeter may have lain there for hours upon hours suffering alone with no relief. God knew I was needed at home that weekend.

You know, I never received a bill from the vet for the farm call nor the meds to put down Skeeter. The way I was crying he must have felt too sorry for me to bill me.


Love you and miss you Skeeter.......thanks for being my friend and companion all those years.