I received the phone call I have been waiting for six months to hear. Actually I listened to the voice mail Thursday.
..........People often give platitudes when asking about my cancer and then talking to me about the physical problems that are following. They don't understand. Or perhaps they are afraid too. Maybe they think I should just be satisfied I survived. Maybe they're right.
The results of breast cancer and the vanity that follows? Chemo and radiation? I flew through treatments with flying colors. Very few complications at all. Dr. Charles, my oncologist, continually told me I "tolerated" chemo very well. I never really knew if that statement was one of shock or disbelief or one to build confidence.
Breast reconstruction? Was. Disastrous. I never considered myself a vain person which has made the situation even worse. Guilt of feeling vain for the first time. Or perhaps I've lied to myself all these years about not being vain and actually am. Ahhhh...the thoughts that a mind of doubt can create.
Modesty? Modesty. I always preferred to strap mine in not push them up. Strapped in behind turtlenecks. So thinking about reconstruction was in the back of my mind following the year long treatments. After they were over I really didn't plan to have the surgery. Then summer hit. And hit hard considering there are no clothes suitable for a woman with no breasts. It was easy to hide a flat chest with a turtleneck and scarf or oversized sweater during the winter months. Summer? Everything is tank tops or maxi dresses with scoop necklines. Of course falsies are out there. But I wouldn't wear wigs. There was no way I was going to strap on a pair every morning. And my luck one would pop out of my bathing suit and float away.
To be truthful? I was terrified of the surgery. No fear of pain. That had past with the surgery to remove my breasts and then more quickly the first time the "poison" was hooked to my chest port. The fear stemmed from being afraid I'd end up looking even worse than the bare chested person I was. The steroid puff had deflated and the hair was growing back. In the end I had became used to my image of what was left in the mirror and the jagged scars across. And of never taking my t-shirt off.
The vanity also stopped me in my tracks. Deep down I know reconstruction following breast cancer is not vanity. But for me it's a hard thing to reconcile, even though friends and family have reassured me, they are separate ideals-reconstruction vs plastic surgery.
So after a lot of deliberating I decided to go ahead with reconstruction. Dr. Maxwell, from Nashville, created the type of surgery I wanted-TRAM Flap. It's a very complicated surgery but when performed correctly the results are unbelievable AND you don't have implants. And I desperately didn't want implants.
Since Dr. Maxwell was so far away and not in my insurance network I decided on a new doctor in Knoxville who was highly recommended. Long story short? I'm horribly disfigured from the horrible experience of reconstruction. Did I say horribly? Well, I meant horribly so. Not only of my chest but also my stomach including the belly button I had always considered myself partial too. I barely look at myself now and never allow Chris too. And it's been almost two years since the surgery. I never expected perfection but I never expected this either.
I should have went with Dr. Maxwell in the first place. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. But I didn't. Lesson learned! This past spring I drove to Nashville for a breast reconstruction revision consultation with Dr. Maxwell. He is known not only for state of the art research and creation of helping women with breast cancer but of also judging what is best for an individual's body.
Dr. Maxwell suggested the new "gummy bear" implant for my situation. Only problem-they weren't available through his office at the time of my consult. Secretly I was probably glad even though I called often throughout the summer to check on the status of my surgery.
Now we are finally around to the well.........Dr. Maxwell's office called from Nashville Thursday to say the new "gummy bear" implants are available. If I wanted to have the surgery during 2013 December 8th or 18th are available. My heart, which should have hit a high note, clenched and I got a little sick as I hit the end button. Then, delete.
Hmmmm....luckily his office is closed on Fridays. No call had to be made until Monday. Now, Monday is here.......Decisions to be made, which are easier to put off....but the five year mark is only off two....plus discouragement from fear that the only way forward will end in a result far worse than living with what I have now.
I'm enjoying life again. Do I want to tamper with that???? 2013 is almost over and the past few months have been the best since Easter 2010. So much so I worry people judge me for all the fun I have. To that I tell myself I was lain up in a bed for almost two years. I have the right to feel I deserve a good life and live it. And geez, maybe someday that will change to the right to feel I don't have to care what others judge as a good life vs a selfish one.
I've only One to answer too. Not sure how to say this.....I know that I'm going to Heaven. But I just don't want to "get there". Hopefully the ultimate judgement will be "well done thou good and faithful servant". It's the one statement I've longed to hear my whole life. The only one that in the end matters........
