I'm fine....

"I'm fine." My response when someone asks how I am during tough periods in my life.  Emotionally or physically.

I'm fine.  And usually I am.  I've had periods of darkness, as all of us do, of feeling almost to the point of hopelessness.  But those times are few and far between.  I can remember crying, maybe, oh, five times during the breast cancer treatments.  This trial I'm in now with my health.  I think I've cried twice.  I don't believe my "I'm fine" is a "I'm in denial".  I've used "I'm fine" my whole life.  I am.  I can do this.  This thing called life.  I don't like to be a burden and the words "I'm fine" assure that I won't be to those I love.

The only person that ignores the "I'm fine" is God.  I don't think he likes "I'm fine".  I can look back over my 42 years.  During the emotionally hard times I've really grown closer to God.  But it seems now that I'm older and during the physically hard times have appeared I grow further away.  I throw the "I'm fine" at God.  And like I said, I don't think He likes that.

I'm always looking for lessons in life.  Lessons from God.  I believe as a Christian that is part of the point.  I'm not sure how to say all this and it's getting kinda jumbled.....I'm no theologian.  God is the Father.  Father's teach their children.  What are my lessons He is teaching?  During the good times and the bad.  Perhaps the physical problems I continually seem to come up against the past four years are God saying to me, "Those words you throw at me, the 'I'm Fine', you're not fine.  You'll never be fine without Me.  Reach for Me".  I don't know.   Like I said, I'm far from a theologian.

I don't mean to sound as if I'm asking "why God".  Why has never really been in my vocabulary toward Him.  I believe asking why and looking for lessons are two entirely different things.  At least in my thinking.  To me asking why puts some blame toward God about the situation.  Whereas looking for lessons in hardship, and even good things, is more of a searching for God and His will.

Yeah, I'm thankful during the good times.  Very.  I'm thankful and call out during the emotional lows.  And I'm close to God in both.  But the physical lows?  Why am I always, "I'm fine" toward God?  Why toward me, not Him.