China Cabinet

Brought my momma's china cabinet to our new house last week. My sister, Lynette, painted it for me today. It's amazing how small it seems now. I remember being small and the cabinet was so big! In my memories it seemed larger than life. I never tried of prowling around in it. Nothing ever changed but I was sure I would find a treasure. The treasure is now the cabinet itself. Funny how things change....

You'll Never Be The Same

You’ll never be the same.  Not physically.   When cancer hits and the treatments begin you are forever changed.   It’s something no one thinks about but I wish they did.  I’d been more prepared.

With my breast cancer I had a lump.  Physically at that time the lump was the only change with my body.  But then came the mastectomy.  I was a bit nervous.  I’ve never been a vain person and losing my breasts didn’t hit me as hard in some ways but in others it did.  However, I liked my breasts to be honest.  I was never one to push them up.  Rather I strapped them in; inside my turtlenecks.  But I still was happy with my breasts.  I think I cried once over the idea of losing them forever.  The day of the mastectomy I was emotionally okay.  Or think I was as far as I remember.  I was comfortable all day.  Enjoying seeing my friends and family.

The only time I became frightened was right before I was put to sleep.  I was shaking at that point because for the first time of the day I was alone.  Alone in a scary room.  I remember lying there talking with my anesthesiologist.  He spoke a little to me and was quite comforting.  My nurse kept walking around the bed doing things nurses do.  Then I hear another anesthesiologist ask my anesthesiologist what kind of surgery I was having.  He said bilateral mastectomy.  The other said “Poor thing. She is so young”.  I wanted to scream, I hear you all talking about me!  The nurse patted me on the shoulder and said “they are just trying to figure out where to put your IV dear.  It cannot be in your arm so they may put it in your leg or foot or neck.”  I panicked.  I said in a loud rush to the nurse “I had a bad experience with a IV in a neck……my momma died, at one point before she died they had done that to her and punctured her lung.  I have bad memories!!!!!”

The nurse at that point was trying to get me a “I don’t care shot”.  She understood my fright from the trauma of losing my momma and the association with the neck IV.  The anesthesiologist came over again and was looking at my neck telling me he was going to put my IV there.  I said in a rush again “You don’t understand!….I had a bad experience with a IV in a neck……my momma died, at one point before she died they had done that to her and punctured her lung!”  The nurse is now frantically trying to give me my shot.  The anesthesiologist tells me “I’m good, I’m good, no worries, in and out, won’t feel a thing”.  Then he flung my bed up so that my head was lower than my feet.  He fiddled with one side of my neck and said that side wouldn’t work- he said “you’ll just look like a vampire bit you there tomorrow, no worries.” Then he started on my neck on the left side for a moment—just felt like he was feeling around on it.  Then he says “See, I told you I’m good.  In and out.  It’s done.”  I didn’t feel a thing…..then the “I don’t care shot” went in.

When I woke up my breast were gone.  One of the most defining parts of a woman’s body, I lost.  Still I didn’t grieve that much.  I had bandages that covered a flat chest so there was really nothing to see or worry about.   I remember Chris saying after everyone left the hospital that night “you are sooo flat”.  It was kinda a freaky thing.  I had a bladder problem that night that was quite traumatic or I would have sailed right through having a mastectomy. 

The next week to the surgeon Chris and I went for the removal of the drain tubes and bandages.  I remember laying on the table and Chris was sitting in the corner.  The doctor cut the bandages away.  As Chris watched the bandages fall aside he said, “Are you not going to look down?”, as I hadn’t done so yet as the doctor cut away.  The doctor said “She probably doesn’t want to.”  All I wanted to do was look into Chris’s eyes.  I did.  And what I saw there….. What I saw there made me know that everything was going to be just fine.

No one warns you about the first time you are standing up and look down at your new body after a mastectomy.  It’s quite traumatic. Your body is so out of proportion!!  I said, “I never knew my belly was that large!”  Nor does anyone warn you of the trauma of the first shower.  The first shower where you wash your chest, a chest that is now flat.

My plans from the beginning was no re-construction.  No, nada, none.  I didn’t want it.  I went through six rounds of chemo, 33 radiation treatments and 12 Herceptins.  All the while never planning reconstruction.  Chris didn’t care.  He really didn’t want me to either.  He was tired of seeing me hurt.

Then summer came when all treatments were done and hair was coming back.  The last thing that defined me as a breast cancer survivor was not having breasts.  And you would be surprised how many people notice!  Throughout my treatments I’d put on my scarf over my bald head and Chris would take me on the town for movies and dinners.  It was hard to have everyone checking out the scarf at first, and then of course their eyes would fall down.  To see what kind of cancer I had.  “Did she have breast cancer?” They would wonder. I tried to go out as much as I felt like it.  Yes, I was self conscious.  But I went. I didn’t want to look back in a few years about this time in my life and felt I hadn’t LIVED! 

With my hair growing back and the right clothes in winter no one knew anything about my cancer.  In fact I received tons of compliments on my hair cut.  To which I would reply, “thank you”.

Then summer hit.  Let me just say, there are no clothes for adult women who are without breasts.  My mother in law wanted me to get “falsies” since day one.  A false bra.  There would be no way I’d wear that.  That is just not me.  I wouldn’t even wear a wig.  There was no way I’d get up every morning and put on a prosthetic.   I hate wearing make up, I hated wearing a wig, I hate shopping….I’m not wearing a prosthetic. 

But shopping this past spring changed me.  Clothes are cute these days.  But are either scoop neck, V neck, tank tops, halter top…. And I was 20 pounds heavier from the type of chemo and steroids I had taken.   There was nothing I could wear.  And forget wearing a bathing suit.  Course I was told I could get a prosthetic bathing suit.  But hey, with my luck I’d be swimming and one would float away!

So I decided to go for reconstruction.  My biggest question was what kind and when.  With my job the only time that would work was August.  And since it took 4 months to get an OR that worked perfectly.  Planned in April so August it would be.  And a TRAM Flap procedure it would be.   A very invasive type of reconstruction but when all goes well it’s the best.  On the front end lots of pain.  But great results later.

The reason for the TRAM Flap:  I couldn’t stand the thought of implant reconstruction. Six to eight hour surgery to get my expanders in.  Right back muscle would have to be taken and used to re-enforce my new right breast because of radiation damage to my skin.  Then four months of expanders—going each week to have a small amount of fluid inserted until I reached a suitable size—ouch.   Then surgery to get the final implant.  Then those implants might have to be replaced in 15 years or so?  Implants don’t last forever.  And I really didn’t like the thought of something foreign in my body.  I came to the conclusion a long time ago that my body hates me.  I’m sure it would reject implants.   I decided the TRAM Flap was the surgery for me.  Maybe.  I was pretty scared.  I wasn’t sure. 

Chris was.  He said the surgery was elective.  I didn’t need it, it wasn't a necessary surgery.   It was 12-16 hours long.  Very invasive with potential of lots of blood loss.  Risk of blood clots. Dangerous.  ICU for two days.  Hospital for 7 days.  Maybe back to old self in three months.  I could die was his thinking.  He didn’t want me in anymore pain.

My last fear?  The thing that almost put me back to the decision of not having surgery?  What if I ended up worse a monster after this surgery than I am now?  I got used to my body without breasts.  As used to it as one could.  I was comfortable with it—however I never looked at it that much.  What if I have this  surgery and look worse????  That was the most scary part.  I look bad enough.  I didn’t want to look even worse.

I told Dr. Herbig I knew I would never be perfect again.  It’s just a fact.  My body has not been the same as since the mastectomy and never will be.  I have scars.  Large scars.  My breasts will never be ideal.  My belly button that I loved would be gone with a new one made. I told Dr. Herbig to just do the best she could.  I trust you I said.  Trust you to get me as close to normal as could be.

The day before the surgery I went to Dr. Herbig to be “marked” up for the incisions.  I looked like a side of slaughtered beef.  I took a list of questions and comments with me.  Which is pretty unusual for me but this was a big deal surgery.  Question 1—how much would I see her, my doctor, during my hospital stay?  Sometimes you never see you doctor.  Question 2—pain management—I knew this was going to be awful.  Question 3—when can I be up and around again????  Comment to her #1—If one breast died in the first two days I wanted both cut off to start over next year.  I did not want to have one breast after this ordeal.  She said would probably be impossible to fulfill that request.  Comment #2—I’m modest.  My biggest fear (and I know this is of utmost stupidity) is being laid out on a surgery table completely uncovered.  I see the hospital TV shows and it seems most of the bodies are covered for most of the surgeries.  I told Dr. Herbig I just wanted her to know who I was and about my modesty.  Comment #3—My momma died at UT 20 years ago.  I know the hospital saves a lot of people.  They performed a miracle on Duncan.  But momma died there.  I told Dr. Herbig I never, never, ever, ever wanted to have not one procedure done at UT.  But I had heard such good things about her that I decided to over come that fear.  Comment #4—I know I won’t be perfect, just do your best, I don’t expect a lot, I don’t expect perfection.  Comment #5—I have bladder problems and to leave my catheter in as long as possible and if I say I need it, I need it.

The surgery went well.  I was a little scared of course.  Luckily at UT Lynette and Chris and Leslie were with me right up to the very minute I went in the OR.  What a huge difference in my stress level than at Ft Sanders during my mastectomy where I was alone for 20 minutes or so right before.  The surgery was 13 hours.  Great I thought!  Better than 16.  I think I did well considering my belly was cut off and made into my breasts. 

I had one complication when I went from ICU into a regular room.  My bladder froze.  I told them it would before I had surgery and I told them what would need to be done to fix the situation.  I was not listened to.  I was in a room straining my guts out for an hour trying to urinate while begging for a catheter.  All the straining hurt my new belly button.  It almost died.  I also damaged my incision in my belly as well.  This was a bad, bad, painful experience in which my friend Kelley and Bridget witnessed.  I wish they had not seen it.  I know it was traumatic for them.  I told them I was sorry. The damage set back my healing for a few days, maybe a week.  Dr. Herbig says things all will work out.  But my new belly button is no where near as pretty as it was the first time I saw it and my belly is crooked.  But both are alive except for a small portion of tissue around the belly incisions.  My breasts are healing fine and are amazing in how real they look and feel.

So now I am home.  I’m not sure what my new body will look like six months from now.  I’m very afraid I will look worse than before surgery.  But perhaps it’s only because I’m not used to the new look.  And it won’t really matter anyway.  I’m the only one who sees me.   

I’ll never be the same.  Not physically.   When cancer hits and the treatments begin you are forever changed.  The body in the mirror I see is not one I recognize.  At times it’s repulsive.

Not only does cancer make you start wondering about meeting your maker, and questioning if I will hear the words I’ve desired to hear my whole life: “Well done my good and faithful servant”, but it makes you re-exam the important things in life. 

The vanity I have developed is my most hated part of this process.  I’m hoping that when this journey is over that will be over as well.  I almost feel guilty at times for having breast reconstruction.  The process makes me feel vain and wonder if people think vanity is the driving force behind reconstruction.  I know it another silly notion of mine.  But breast cancer and all the things that go with the disease can make you question lots of things in your life.

In reality when I look back over the past year and half I realize that this has been a very hard year physically and emotionally.  However, I can honestly say that it’s also been perhaps the best year and half of my life.  The love that I’ve experienced from family and friends has been unbelievable.  The love has been overwhelming, not the cancer.

I'll never be the same physically.  BUT, I hope that I'm a better person from the experience of living through breast cancer.  I hope it makes me a better friend when those I love hit hard times.

You’ll never be the same……but, if you want and choose it, you can be even better than ever before.

Loneliness

Sickness isn’t good, but it doesn’t have to be all bad….

I’ve spent the time between my surgery on August 17 till today totally enjoying and soaking up the time I’ve been able to spend with family and friends and reflecting back on the past couple of years.  Many times in our busy lives we live.  Only live.  From here to there, work to home, dinner to supper, alarm clock to pillow we don’t think about much other than what has to be done day to day

Sickness slows life down, in sometimes the most wonderful ways.  There is a blessing to be found in sickness.  Though many don’t find it.  Somehow I did.  

There were things that we absolutely awful about being diagnosed with cancer but there was good as well:

I hated……the chemo drugs, the hair loss, the constipation (yes, I said it), the nausea, the being tired all the time, loss of interest in things I once loved, acne, the whole process of radiation, loneliness, pain, dependency, missing work, worrying people, the weight gain, the medical tests, the unknown….and more

I loved…….visiting/laughing/ talking with the chemo staff, I felt they became family; making my doctor loosen up and not be so serious all the time; I saw my job was to lightening people’s day at the chemo ward-they dealt with such hard things all day everyday; the food cooked for me; friends visiting; family visiting; feeling the love of those around you; making new friends; knowing people will drop everything to listen; learning not to depend on yourself; learning and not just having faith there is One in control; knowing, realizing what is important….and so much many more great things…….

Being homebound with this latest surgery has surprised me in one way…the loneliness.  When I had the mastectomy and then the chemo I was up and back to work so fast I didn’t have time to become lonely.

But this time the loneliness has really caught be off guard and I was not prepared for it.  I enjoy time to myself.  When Chris is away for a horse show I love my alone time on the farm on the weekends.  Loneliness never sets in. I never even think about loneliness.   I’ve been at work all week and dinner with friends on weekends but alone time during the day on the weekend until he gets home is heavenly.

This situation has been quite different following this surgery.  I can’t work during the week.  Chris is here on the farm but is working hard all day.  He comes in several times a day to check on me and to fix me dinner.  The loneliness is overwhelming at times.  I hate missing work.  Hate it with a passion.  Luckily I have great employees who know their jobs well and can run the office with very few calls to me with questions.   This somewhat relieves some of the stress I have from not being at work.

Praise God I have friends and family who come and spoil me.  My sister Sharon comes every morning to wash my hair until I start being able to on my own.  She washes my clothes and keeps clean sheets on my bed.

My sister Lynette, Jessie, Jack, Brandi & sweet Brooklynn, Michelle and cutie Sammie Tanner, Bridget, Amber, Colton, Rachael stop and visit and sometimes bring food.  And I have good friends Patty and Darlene who bring me dinner or supper and sit and have great talks.  Kelley and Brittany bring me supper a couple of times a week and we are having a girls movies night Friday.  Peanut feeds my hummingbirds as I cannot reach them and then sits for a few hours and we have great conversations.

So many loving friends and family, what to do without them.  I love them so very much.  Much more than they will ever know.  Everyone has extremely busy schedules but these people take the time to come keep me company even if it’s only for a few minutes.  It amazes me that they do this for me!

But yet I’m still lonely.....  So much down time.  So much, too much time to think.  As soon as a friend or family member leaves I’m yearning, yearning, yearning for another.  Not being able to work is the killer part because working cuts up the day and you see friends, co-workers and have lots of interactions with others.  Soon, hopefully soon, I’ll be back at work and it will be just as if I’ve never been out.

Sickness slows life down, in a most wonderful way.  There is a blessing to be found in sickness, if you will only find it.  The loneliness has been my barrier test to finding some of my blessings through sickness.  But God is sending me many friends and family members to help with that.  And the blessing is seeing that these are my loved ones and even after I’m better life needs to slow down as it has through the sickness (but without the sickness) so that our relationships can continue to grow.

Unstoppable

I've caught bits and pieces of the movie "Unstoppable".  Not enough to know everything that is going on.  There is a scene where there are children on the train and the teacher asks them what they do at a train crossing.  The kids yell "Stop, Look, and Listen".  She tells them she didn't hear them or something like that and they yell even louder "Stop, Look, and Listen!"

This section of the movie brought back many memories of middle school and tactics used to scare us kids into stopping at rail road crossing, not use drugs, and how to deal if we caught on fire.  

When I was growing up there were no arms that moved down to stop traffic.  Only lights and bells.  And in our small town some crossings didn't even have those.  I remember the graphic nature of those films we were shown about train/car collisions.  They instilled a fear in me of "Stop, Look and Listen".  Even to this day I remember those words and photos of what happens if a car tried to beat a train or didn't see one.  The trauma was huge.  Nowadays I depend on the arms of a crossing to be down.  But I do take caution.  Mostly due to middle school movies.

The stop, drop and roll films also worked to ingrain in my mind what to do if I ever caught on fire.  I'm not sure I would actually remember to do so if I were in that situation.  I would probably have to much adrenaline coursing through my body to stop, drop and roll.  But then again, those words were so torched into me that I think I might just remember.

I also remember the movies that we were shown on drug abuse.  I remember the films showing stomachs being pumped after people have overdosed on drugs.  Of vomiting and DTs and other horrible things that happens to your body when you abuse drugs.  Those films utterly terrified me.  Terrified me to the point that I never tried drugs.  Never wanted to be around them, period.

I don't believe those types of movies are shown anymore in schools.  But I'm not sure and if not, I'm not sure why.  Maybe the powers that be didn't believe they worked?  And perhaps on some kids there wasn't an impression made.  Or perhaps some believe fear is the wrong way to try to stop children and young adults from trying drugs or trying to beat a train. 

I'm not sure, but I do know that the fear those films instilled a deep aversion to the thought of ever doing drugs or of beating a train.  Much more than the "Just Say No" campaign years would have.  That wasn't my era.  My era was the fear era.  

The Big C

The Big C.  The call that no one wants to hear, either it's you getting the call saying "you have cancer" or it's a call to you from a family member that says "I have cancer".  I don't know everything about cancer.  I am not a doctor.  Everyone's cancer is different.  But here are a few things I've learned that worked for me personally dealing with my breast cancer.  There were many things no one warned me about that I'd wish I'd known to prepare for.

1.  Doctor you like.  I'm so thankful that God hooked me up with a doctor I liked.  No, I can say I love Dr. Charles.  He was wonderful.  Little stuffy at first, but I think he lightened up at the end.  I made sure of it.

2.  Positive Attitude. I worked hard to keep a positive attitude.  This is something that can be more difficult for some that others. But it can be achieved.  I looked at cancer as a bump in the road.  As a temporary thing that was happening to me in my life.  I always remembered there were people worse off than I.  Things people have to learn to deal with and live with the rest of their lives.  I think I cried over having cancer about 5 times through the process.  

In room after recovery for
mastectomy. All I needed was
popcorn to go with the Propel.

3.  Being Nice.  I had bad days.  Sure.  But I tried my best not to take my bad days out on other people.  It wasn't their fault.  I remember a lady came into the clinic one day.  She was rude to everyone in the waiting room.  Mean to the receptionist.  When she went to the back she was mean to the nurse.  I thought to myself, everyone here is having a tough time.  It's not the nurse's fault, the receptionist fault, or our fault. Attitude is the biggest responsibility in someone's life, no matter what the situation is.  It's my choice how I treat others.  No matter what I'm going through in my life, it's still my choice in how I treat others.

4. Appointments.  I always took Chris with me to my appointments or a family member.   The shock, especially during the first appointments, is so great that you may forget important things that your doctor tells you.  The person you take may be able to ask questions you may not think about.  Chris was amazing at my appointments.  He asked several questions that when they came out of his mouth I looked at him and thought, wow, I can't believe you even thought to ask that.  I never would have.

Some of the nieces

5. Chemo Port at time of Surgery.  I went through Thompson Breast Center.  I had my biopsy then got the call with the diagnosis.  Thompson's has a team approach to treatment that I loved.  Every Friday a team of all their oncologists, radiologists, surgeons, nutritionists, etc. met to discuss all new breast cancer patients. Then the next week I came in and met the ones that the team thought would best suit my case.  So in one day I met my team.  And heard their suggestions.  The doctors knew as soon as I had the biopsy I had HER2 positive, Estrogen positive and Progesterone positive breast cancer and the grade.  But not the stage.  The doctors knew I'd need mastectomy, chemo and radiation from the biopsy results.  My suggestion is to find out ASAP, before surgery, if you have to have chemo and if so a port.  Most doctors will know right away.  (I think.)  I'm not a doctor so I cannot speak for certain.  My point is, if you have to have a port, ask them to put the port in at the time of the mastectomy if at all possible.  They put my port in when I had my mastectomy and I am so thankful.  In my opinion if you know you have to have a port go ahead and have it done with your mastectomy.  Why be put under and have two surgeries when it may not be necessary if they can be performed at the same time.  Plus you can start your chemo faster than delaying treatment while waiting to heal from a mastectomy then waiting to heal from a port insertion surgery.

6. I'm so thankful I had the chemo port.  My doctor's really didn't give me a choice since I had to have six rounds of chemo and 12 rounds of Herceptin.  A port is a scary thing.  But was my best friend.  There were no worries about going to chemo and worrying about being stuck or worrying if they would find a vein.

(Chemo is extremely hard on your veins.)  The only big problem that I ran into with the port was with my seat belt.  My seat belt crossed my chest right where my port sat.  This was fixed by taking a clip and clipping my seat belt to the side.  Worked perfectly to reduce the friction.

7. Gowns.  I wish someone had told me to have button up or zip up gowns after my mastectomy.  I was not able to lift my arms to pull on tee-shirts or pull over gowns for quite some time.  So button ups are a necessity.  A tight fitting mastectomy undershirt also felt wonderful.

8. Drain Tubes.  I had two drain tubes-one for each side- following surgery.  I was scared to death of these!  I'd never dealt with drain tubes on myself or anyone else.  I was constantly afraid I would move wrong and yank them out of my body.  Which I am sure would be painful.  And then have to have them put back in, which, would definitely be painful!  I would stick the drain tubes in pockets of my clothes but they kept sliding out. My nephew Jamey brought me a tool belt from Tate's to stick my drain tubes in.  Worked like a charm!  If a tool belt is too redneck for you a fanny pack would also work wonderfully.  And they both fit underneath clothing and go un-noticed.  Another trick is to safety pin the tubing underneath your shirt or into your pocket. 

9.  First Round.  I wish I had prepared myself to be scared that first round of chemo.  I was nervous and wished I had asked more questions about what to expect prior to that first round.  It was a giant room with chair beside chair beside chair.  No privacy.  I was terrified, completely terrified I would vomit in front of a room full of strangers!  I hate throwing up in front of anyone!  Much less in front of 50 strangers!  But chemo is quite different from the olden days--the anti nausea meds are great!  People don't get sick quite like then.  Some do!!!  Depends on the chemo.  But I never saw anyone vomiting in the chemo ward.  So that was a fear I should have not had or not have had so strongly.  I almost made myself sick from the thought of being sick!  

10.  First Round.  The scary part for me was when I got home.  I settled into my recliner.  After a few hours I would feel something in my body feeling different than normal.  Then some sound.  Then something else.  I thought to myself "Is that supposed to do that?"  "Is that sound normal?"  Then I thought to myself, "I just put a ton of poison into my body.  There is no way to get it out."  That was a scary time.  I has six rounds of chemo.  After the second those fears were rested somewhat.  I came to know what to expect.

11.  Nausea.  I had my chemo on a Thurs for the first few times.  Then tried to be back at work on Monday.  I always assumed because I made it through 5 days or so that I would be fine till be next round in three weeks.  No always so.  I went to Walmart the week after my first and became very ill in the bathroom.  I wondered if I was going to make it out!  lol  I think I had so much anti nausea meds the week of chemo I did okay but those had worn off the middle of the next week.

12.  Use meds on time, before you hurt.  I wish I had used my meds more often.  I am a med hoarder.  I am so afraid of running out of medicine that I won't use much.  I keep thinking "well, I might be sicker in a few days and then be out."  My niece who is a pharmacist would get aggravated and tell me the doctors would give me more.  I should have listened.  Not that anything was un-bearable.  

My nephew. UT football game.
My horrible steroid puff!

13.  Weight.  I assumed I would lose a lot of weight.  Often the opposite happens--depending on the type of chemo drugs.   I was on high, high doses of steroids.  I gained 20 pounds on chemo.  So my wardrobe was completely unprepared.  And I didn't feel like shopping.  The un-expected weight gain was emotionally hard to cope with.

14.  Ask for help.   I wish I hadn't been afraid to ask for more help.  This is a big hang up of mine.  Having friends, family and neighbors coordinate to fix some meals for your family is a huge help.  If not to the patient then to the family. 

15.  Food.  Food tastes different from before.  I tried to not eat a lot of things that I loved. If it had tasted yucky or if I had gotten physically ill after eating it I my not have liked it after finishing treatment.   But I pretty much ate anything and everything in sight.  Steroid hunger is torture!

16.  Water.  I wish I had stayed more hydrated.  But liquids tasted soooo bad.

17.  Exercise.  I wish I had forced myself or had someone force me to exercise.  Nothing hard!  Just walking a mile two or three times a week. 

18.  Plastic silverware.  I stocked up on plastic silverware before my first chemo.  Certain kinds of chemo give you a metallic taste to your mouth.  Plastic helps lesson that to a degree.

19.  Wigs.  I hated them!  I ended up buying four.  I wore a wig maybe three times during the whole time of being bald.  Thank goodness good friends gave me many presents of scarves. Unbelievable, but the ones to wrap your hair in are quite hard to find.

20.  I only half way believed the Dr. Charles when he said at day 12 (or maybe day 14 I can't remember) my hair would fall out.  I had the hope that no, it wouldn't.  The day Dr. Charles said is the day my hair started coming out it did--in clumps.  I didn't realize I would have to continue to shave my head throughout the whole time of treatment.  I looked like a mangy dog unless I kept  my head shaved.  Large sections stayed slick bald.  Some other smaller ones grew stuble. 

21.  Smell.  My sense of smell changed.  I remember Amber and Chris taking me to the Outback to eat one night.  I walked in and the smell was disgusting.  I kept asking Amber and Chris if they smelled something bad.  That is the first time I realized that my smell was being affected.

22.  Neulasta shot.  My insurance paid for all but about $80 of the shot if I took it at home.  The shot was free if I went to the doctor's office.  This shot is a $4,000 shot.  I didn't feel like driving back to Knoxville the day after chemo.  Ask you doctor if your insurance will pay for someone to give it to you at home if you would like.  I readily paid the $80 to keep from spending two hours on the road and an hour in the doctor's office the day after chemo when I felt yucky.  

23.  Neulasta shot.  This shot put me in the bed for sure, perhaps just as much as the chemo.  After you receive the shot your body goes through a painful process.  Luckily a friend had warned me.

24.  Clariton.  Taking Clariton helped with some of the side effects of treatment.

Horrible acne after !st Chemo!
Perhaps roughest emotional thing.

25.  ACNE!  Who would think acne would be/could be a side effect?  It can be.  And of course who would get acne as a side effect?  ME!  It was HORRIBLE!!  Horrible acne.  I looked in the mirror the Saturday after my first round and thought "Oh my, I'm 13 again!"  And I hated being 13.....

26.  Brown Spots.  Chemo makes your skin very thin as it kills fast growing cells and skin is a fast growing cell.  I had started getting a few small brownish age spots on my face the past few years.  Well, chemo allowed those to take over my face.

My great niece at Christmas with my
chemo curls. My hard was curly & jet
black when growing out. 

27.  Chemo curls.  My hair came back a completely different texture and with wavy curls.  Be ready for a new color and new texture.  Lots of adjustments on fixing hair. I had looked forward to having some curl.  This curl was not my 80's curls. These were uncontrollable!  I hate it-couldn't style at all!

28.  Dentist.  I made sure to have my teeth cleaned well before starting treatment.  You can't have any cleaning done while on chemo or radiation.

29.  Magic Mouthwash.  I had never had heartburn in my life but got it my fourth round of chemo.  I thought here I've made it through four rounds of chemo without ending up at the emergency room and I'm going to end up there because of heartburn!  It was torture.  Magic Mouthwash did the trick.  It totally numbs your throat.  Just...be.....careful how you swallow.  The Magic Mouthwash will also numb your lips and tongue.  Learned that the hard way......not fun!

30.  Advice.  I got lots of advice from people who had been through chemo or had friends/family who had.  I ran everything by my doctor first.  Being in treatment and taking those drugs are hard on your system.  One of my chemos had to be postponed due to my liver enzymes.  Being very careful about mixing medications and vitamins and herbs is of upmost importance.  My liver was being taxed already.  I had to be careful about further hardships as I didn't want to create permanent liver damage.

31.  Phantom pain. Phantom itching.  Those things don't just happen to those who lose a hand or a foot or a leg or an arm.  Women who lose breasts can also sometimes experience phantom pain or itching.  Be ready so it's not so scary or aggravating should it happen.

Friends at Hiwassee College
"Denim & Diamonds"
fundraiser for equine. 

There are many other things that worked for me during treatment.  Or that I discovered that helped with problems.  I may update my list later. 

My sister. Dolly concert

Oh....one last thing.  Surround yourself with friends and familyand fun and laughter.  It will lighten the load of living a kindanightmare you thought you'd never star in.

Nieces & nephew.
Third Day concert.

Friend Kelley. Out to dinner

Country Strong

(Just a movie with my silly rambling thoughts which are by no means “right” opinions)

When “Country Strong” hit the movie theaters I watched it three times.  Now it’s released on Directv so I’ve once again been sucked back in to the story.  I’m not sure I can narrow down specifically why I enjoy the movie so much but there are several reasons.  My musical tastes are very eclectic.  I like a wide range including country music.  I very much enjoyed the music in “Country Strong”.  The actors all had strong voices and the music seemed more traditional, “real”, country music.  So music was one appeal.

The actors also interested me.  I thought the movie was well cast.  I’ve always like Gwyneth Paltrow as an actress and was quite impressed with the acting abilities of Tim McGraw.  Leighton Meester.  I had no idea who she was when I saw the movie.  However, I quickly became a fan of both her acting skills and her voice.  And of course Beau.  He fit his character well.  And his songs were great.

However the story is what appealed to me the most and drew me in.   To many the movie was hokey and silly.   But the underlying messages really appealed to the part of me that served in social work so many years.

I loved the hot mess that was Kelly.  Perhaps she typifies the average “star” in today’s world.  All caught up in the money, fame, glory, attention, everything that would define a “star’s” life. 

The dynamic of her relationships and the obvious mental illness that haunted her was intriguing.  Kelly, an addict who seemed to me to also be suffering from some type of mental illness, drew everyone into her disease.  Beau, who worked in the rehab facility into which Kelly was placed, was drawn by Kelly into her world of addiction and mental illness.  Addicts tend to be pretty good manipulators.   Kelly needed someone on the inside of her treatment facility she could have on her side.  Beau turned out to be the perfect enabler while in treatment.

Beau thought he could save Kelly.  I believe he saw James as a heartless husband who was only interested in Kelly’s breadwinning abilities.  Beau was young and stupid.  Someone with addiction and mental illness issues such as Kelly—love…… well….. it takes more than love to help that person deal with the demons inside.  Beau had no idea.   I think he realized on the bus, after catching Kelly with the sleazy promoter, that Kelly was extremely troubled.  More troubled than what he was equipped to handle.  He realized James had spent years of cleaning up Kelly’s messes.  Just as James had to care for the baby quail Kelly had picked up.  (The quail in a way represented the way James had to care for Kelly.)

By the end of the movie I believe Beau saw how sick Kelly really was.  And perhaps became to understand somewhat the torture that a husband such as James goes through year after year, trying to keep the one they love from falling into the deepest crevices of illness.  James was an ill equipped enabler who perhaps thought that keeping Kelly on the stage and performing would bring back the “old” Kelly.  But Kelly had lost Kelly.  The things which she had loved and made her who she was were gone.  She was lost to the mental illness and self-medicating addictions.

Every family has a loved one somewhere who suffers from some sort of addiction or a mental illness.   We all do.   It’s hard to know how to help those we love.  Some types of treatment work for some and some for others.  For some no type of treatment seem to help.  Kelly in “Country Strong” couldn’t get away from hers demons.  Perhaps Kelly didn’t want to.  At times she seemed to enjoy the torture she put James through with no regard to his feelings as she carried on her affairs and lived her life just as she wished to live it.   Each time Kelly messed up in the movie you could see the plea in her eyes as she looked to James to save her, fix her, clean up her mess as he always did.  And you would see the disheartened despair in James’ eyes as he was probably thinking please not again….