Loneliness

Sickness isn’t good, but it doesn’t have to be all bad….

I’ve spent the time between my surgery on August 17 till today totally enjoying and soaking up the time I’ve been able to spend with family and friends and reflecting back on the past couple of years.  Many times in our busy lives we live.  Only live.  From here to there, work to home, dinner to supper, alarm clock to pillow we don’t think about much other than what has to be done day to day

Sickness slows life down, in sometimes the most wonderful ways.  There is a blessing to be found in sickness.  Though many don’t find it.  Somehow I did.  

There were things that we absolutely awful about being diagnosed with cancer but there was good as well:

I hated……the chemo drugs, the hair loss, the constipation (yes, I said it), the nausea, the being tired all the time, loss of interest in things I once loved, acne, the whole process of radiation, loneliness, pain, dependency, missing work, worrying people, the weight gain, the medical tests, the unknown….and more

I loved…….visiting/laughing/ talking with the chemo staff, I felt they became family; making my doctor loosen up and not be so serious all the time; I saw my job was to lightening people’s day at the chemo ward-they dealt with such hard things all day everyday; the food cooked for me; friends visiting; family visiting; feeling the love of those around you; making new friends; knowing people will drop everything to listen; learning not to depend on yourself; learning and not just having faith there is One in control; knowing, realizing what is important….and so much many more great things…….

Being homebound with this latest surgery has surprised me in one way…the loneliness.  When I had the mastectomy and then the chemo I was up and back to work so fast I didn’t have time to become lonely.

But this time the loneliness has really caught be off guard and I was not prepared for it.  I enjoy time to myself.  When Chris is away for a horse show I love my alone time on the farm on the weekends.  Loneliness never sets in. I never even think about loneliness.   I’ve been at work all week and dinner with friends on weekends but alone time during the day on the weekend until he gets home is heavenly.

This situation has been quite different following this surgery.  I can’t work during the week.  Chris is here on the farm but is working hard all day.  He comes in several times a day to check on me and to fix me dinner.  The loneliness is overwhelming at times.  I hate missing work.  Hate it with a passion.  Luckily I have great employees who know their jobs well and can run the office with very few calls to me with questions.   This somewhat relieves some of the stress I have from not being at work.

Praise God I have friends and family who come and spoil me.  My sister Sharon comes every morning to wash my hair until I start being able to on my own.  She washes my clothes and keeps clean sheets on my bed.

My sister Lynette, Jessie, Jack, Brandi & sweet Brooklynn, Michelle and cutie Sammie Tanner, Bridget, Amber, Colton, Rachael stop and visit and sometimes bring food.  And I have good friends Patty and Darlene who bring me dinner or supper and sit and have great talks.  Kelley and Brittany bring me supper a couple of times a week and we are having a girls movies night Friday.  Peanut feeds my hummingbirds as I cannot reach them and then sits for a few hours and we have great conversations.

So many loving friends and family, what to do without them.  I love them so very much.  Much more than they will ever know.  Everyone has extremely busy schedules but these people take the time to come keep me company even if it’s only for a few minutes.  It amazes me that they do this for me!

But yet I’m still lonely.....  So much down time.  So much, too much time to think.  As soon as a friend or family member leaves I’m yearning, yearning, yearning for another.  Not being able to work is the killer part because working cuts up the day and you see friends, co-workers and have lots of interactions with others.  Soon, hopefully soon, I’ll be back at work and it will be just as if I’ve never been out.

Sickness slows life down, in a most wonderful way.  There is a blessing to be found in sickness, if you will only find it.  The loneliness has been my barrier test to finding some of my blessings through sickness.  But God is sending me many friends and family members to help with that.  And the blessing is seeing that these are my loved ones and even after I’m better life needs to slow down as it has through the sickness (but without the sickness) so that our relationships can continue to grow.