Closing Doors

Sometimes when a door closes you need to nail it shut before a new one opens.

Sick, Strong and Courageous

Fellow survivor said:   many love you when your sick and courageous but not strong and courageous.  Makes me think how that applies to me both toward & away.

Rhetorical question: Is that me?

Carol's Chocolate

Okay.  What's the REAL reason Carol on "The Walking Dead" is hoarding chocolate?? Poison cookies?  Make a bomb?  (Can you make a bomb out of chocolate.....)

I don't think she's a midnight snack kinda gal.

Revolving door

Zombies! Finally zombies! Didn't go as I would have liked.  But, there were zombies!

Instead of getting killed by a revolver it was a revolving door that was the instrument of death for one of our guys.

Dollywood opens March 21st!

New year for new memories....

Lisa Bonchek Adams

Since reading of her death, I'm finding myself frantically searching the Internet for the type of breast cancer Lisa Bonchek Adams had to see the type it was.  I wonder how many other survivors are doing the same......

Flour

Interesting.  I posted "look at the flour Sam" on the main TWD Twitter account last night and today this is there.  Of course there are no original thoughts anymore so it's no link.

Metal

Even though it's been four years since my last chemo I still have to use a plastic fork if the plate is metal.

Prom

I feel like the girl in high school who wasn't asked to the prom.  Oh. Wait.  That was me.....

Lately things at work have been very stressful.   However,  being given a shot at attending "Casting for Recovery" in April and a totally surprise gift from Chris has lightened my mood.

Citizen Eco-Drive Watch

Wow.  Chris and I never do "occasion " gifts. Just "occasionally" surprise the other. Imagine my total attonishment at what was on my cabinet top today. A Citizen Eco-Drive watch!!!

Casting for Recovery

Received the call today.  I'm no longer an alternate.  There was a cancelation so I'm going to "Casting for Recovery " in April!!!

Casting for Recovery

Republican Women's Lincoln Day Dinner 2015

Tre Hargett, TN Secretary of State  

Key Note Speaker

Chasing Life and Fear

"Chasing Life" is one of Chris and I's favorite TV shows.  The ABCFamily show is about a young journalist who discovers she has cancer, her treatment, and life thereafter.  Even though we don't talk about it I think the show really hits home for us both.  Cancer, of course, is the center of which the show is wrapped.  However, there are many other story lines which are interesting to watch play out.

The honesty of cancer in the lives of the characters is very true to life.  So much so I'm often shocked because I've never watched a show this honest.  April's journey is so much similar in the fears of truths and fears of lies we tell ourselves as survivors. Chemo brain, being tired, changes in relationships with family and friends are throughly covered.  Every week something new.  And tonight's episode was no different.  Fear of cancer returning was the topic.

My cancer diagnosis was almost five years ago and what is strange is this new fear which is rising in me about cancer-no longer being in remission.  This may sound strange and it's strange to write-I'm more frightened of cancer now than when I had it.  Perhaps it's because during cancer and it's treatment there was no time to think of "cancer".  There was only time to actually keep myself going and take care of those around me and work at my job.  Perhaps it's from being more educated now on what type of cancer I was diagnosed with and the risks therein of it's return.  Perhaps it's from learning that because of the levels of chemo and radiation I endured I've put my body at risk for leukemia after ten years of remission.  Perhaps the fear comes from the knowledge deep inside what cancer is truly like.  Not only what I'd have to go through again if it comes back but also with the fact that there would be no coming back from a reoccurrence.  I've had one shot.  My oncologist is very clear about that........

People were around to help five years ago before I was "cancer free".  People cared for me.  My nieces and nephews would drive to McDonalds at midnight for a #1 with no pickle to stave off the steroid monster.  Or bring a Frosty to cool my chemo ravaged belly.  But once your cancer is "cured" that is gone.  (And perhaps that topic will become a blog post.)  Almost the day after the last treatment it's as though you were never sick to those around you.  Unless you bring it up.  It's quite a fall.  Alone dealing with the aftermath was quite overwhelming.  Yes, I'm in remission.  But, yes, I have something very much like PTSD to deal with- all survivors do whether they realize it or not.  Alone.  And now alone dealing with fear and dealing with people saying the platitude of "it'll all be okay".

In 2010 I met a lady in Madisonville who was going through treatment at the same time as I.  We became friends on Facebook and she will drop by the office occasionally. It's always so nice to talk to her.  A fellow survivor.  It's almost a weird sensation to be able to do so.

Today my friend stopped by the office and we began talking about having things go wrong with our bodies and we immediately fearing our cancer is back.  She talked about some lung issues and a mass on her chest which had to be biopsied.  I talked about a swollen lymph node in my neck and being tired all the time and another number finger and occasional bruises and my eyesight becoming worse and worse. We both talked about the fact we have chemo brain and wondered if we'd ever, ever, ever have ability to remember and process things as before.  We also discussed our neuropathy.  Her's in her feet, which is horribly painful.  Mine in my left pinky finger.

Tonight's "Chasing Life" April is dealing with fear of her cancer returning after a nose bleed. How appropriate after my friend and I's discussion.  Her blood work says she is 99% chance of never having a reoccurrence.  However April starts having severe anxiety and nervousness about cancer.  About being in the 1%.  She even calls her doctor about a bruise on her arm at 8:00 am while her doctor is on vacation.

The fears are new for me and hard to deal with.  I often worry that the further I am from my diagnosis in 2010 the more they will strike.  After all I'm young.  There are many years that lie ahead in which something could happen.

I've never been a worrier.  Not even through chemo and radiation and four failed reconstruction surgeries.  (Although last year's two surgeries really had my anxiety high.  For the first time, the absolutely first time, I really thought I would die.  I was very, very ill for at least six months  in 2014.)

But now I find fears creeping in.  How to defeat?  Yes, I am a Christian and believe with His help I can overcome what I'll allow myself to overcome.  I don't believe in the philosophy of "let go and let God" or "give it all to God".  I don't believe in being passive in my faith and depend on God to do EVERYTHING for me.  I believe God expects us to work at many things in our lives-though salvation is NOT one of those things. Through work (not that it saves) we can refine our gifts and learn to resist temptations,  Ok, this post is going into an entirely different direction.  The whole passivity of faith would be another post so I better leave this.  I'm getting off track and the topic is too deep to delve into with a paragraph or two.

So back to fear.  My friend and I and April on the TV show and all the other survivors at some point in our cancer journey will fear cancer returning.  Yes.  I do.  I'll finally admit it because I'm finally feeling it after five years.  I'm realizing it's not weak to admit I am afraid of cancer and it's probably pretty natural.  But I need to learn to balance overreaction and trust that sometimes things going on with my body are just normal reactions to life situations.

Those bruises? Well, I bumped into a corner of a desk at work.  That swollen lymph node?  I had a horrible cold a few weeks ago.  Being tired all the time?  Either I'm lazy or not fully recovered from those surgeries last year. My eyes?  I am 43.

My new number finger on my right hand? Too much time on my Smartphone and too much time tapping away on the keyboard to write on this silly blog.........

2nd chemo. Not very scared. Just trying
to satisfy the crazy steroid monster hunger
within my tummy with the bland ham
sandwich, chips and sprite the chemo
ward provided.

What's a great age? Thirteen I guess.

Driving on snow covered roads.

While coming home on Old Athens Rd I told Chris if we were going to hit a ditch he better hit one near someone's house we know......

Where is the road....

I'm not even going to ask him how he knows where the road is on Old Athens Rd. 68 highway was scary enough....rumble strips my foot.....ditches are the only road boundaries on back roads.

Rumble Strips

"How do you know what side of the road you're on??? I can't see any lines." (going down highway 68.)

"Because of the rumble strips.....see....traction."

Eek. Jerk.

Uh Oh. Big snow moving in.....trying to get home...

"Chris!!! Don't get so close to that car!  They aren't as good as a driver as you are!"

Chris "I like how you said that" as he slowed down

I know how to build up that ego to slow the car down.

Favorite Snow Pictures This Week

My great niece Mallie Belle with her pig tails, fleece, 5 tutus, leggings and cowboy boots. I don't what part is my favorite.....

My nephew Tanner on a sled. One of my favorite photos of him.

Pop Rox

Fun night at local Pop Rox concert.  Love the band.  Awesome singer!

Love her hair.  Love her voice.  Great performer.

Us

Tracey, Cates, Chris and I 

The DUFF

Ummm.  Yeah.   Think we were at least 30 years older than most people in the movie theater .....  "The DUFF".

Ice Storm 2015

Someone made Elsa mad this week.  I believe it was my two year old great niece Mallie Belle.  

Elsa wants her princess dress back.....

Ice Storm 2015

It's almost unreal how much ice is covering East Tennessee.  We were without power from 7 pm last night until 2 am.  Brrr....

The power is off again.  Went out around 2 this afternoon.   If it's not on soon we'll be pulling the generator again tonight.

All too common sight in Monroe County.   Farmers will be mending fences for weeks. 

Disney

Disney Princess and Pirate show with Sister and nieces and nephew today in Chattanooga. Disappointed there was no ice.  I thought it was an Disney on Ice.  Fun time with my family though!

Packy

The best man in our wedding, Packy, has battled cancer and after effects for well over a year.  Pat had surgery last week, hopefully the last ever, and has had a tough time.  His amazingly original sense of humor has stayed intact through everything that comes at him in life.

Photo of Packy and I is a throwback to 2006ish.  We look like such kids!

Casting for Recovery Alternate

I've been chosen as an alternate for "Casting for Recovery" in Gatlinburg in April!!!! If there is a cancelation I'll have to enter another stage to be chosen from all the other alternates. "Casting for Recovery" participation is by random drawing as there are many, many applications entered each year.

"Casting for Recovery" is a weekend spent trout fishing and having fellowship with other breast cancer survivors. I've never been a big group/share/support kinda person but things going on in my life related I feel it's time.

All I can say is I was excited but shocked when I received the notice!! Now on to the alternate paperwork.  Of which a "doctor's note" is attached.  I feel like I'm in the 80's....

Morality is not situational.

Calcium and Vitamin D

Having finished three months of prescription of 50,000 iu of Vitamin D, I started a supplement.  Hopefully by my six month oncology appointment this will keep my levels up.

I'm giving Chris a dose when I take mine. He loves them.  I'm afraid he'd eat like candy if I'd let him!

Selfies, Nieces and Movies....

Selfies can be wonderful.  Weekends I spend with my great nieces, Chelsea and Bella, remind me of times spent with my nephew Tanner and niece Jessie.  Chelsea and Bella aren't always up for pictures but I tell them they are for memories.

While at the movies with Bella today I thought back to a movie date with Jessie.  She was around the age in this photo in 1986 or 87. We were at Foothills Cinema to watch a showing of "Bambi".  While in the restroom Jessie dropped our popcorn as I washed my hands.  There were other people in the restroom and I think it embarrassed Jessie.  HUGE tears threatened to spill from her eyes.  I did my best to comfort her, saying something like, "it's okay. It doesn't matter Jessie". As I cleaned the popcorn up she managed to hold back the tears.

Then movie time.  Of course Jessie knew the story of "Bambi ".  Right before Bambi's mother was shot Jessie climbed in my lap.  All was quiet in the theater.  A little boy a row in front of us looked at his dad and asked "where did Bambi's momma go?"  Jessie looked back at me and kinda giggled at the little boy.  I think that was her way of not crying.

Selfies in the 80's?  What a great thing they would have been.  I could have had them of Jessie and I just as I now have them of Chelz and Bell.

Selfies aren't always a bad thing....

Jessie around 1986 or 1987.

Flyball Retirement

Dually's retirement gift from flyball. Amazing framed photo.

Dually was once a guest star on "The Walking Dead".  He also starred in the movie "That Evening Sun" with Hal Holbrook.

What a great life Dually and Connie have had together.

Chasing Life and Chemo Brain

Love the fact that the television show, "Chasing Life", addresses "chemo brain".

Like

Does anyone, these days, know how and when to properly use the word like in a grammatically correct way in conversation?   (This sentence probably isn't written in a grammatically correct way, but you get my gist.)

Starbucks

On a bad date and forget their name? Go to Starbucks. They'll write their name on the cup so you can say bye.

Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez is gorgeous with makeup and fancy clothes.  But she's beautiful with little makeup and dressed casual.  Beautiful is better than gorgeous.

Cancer is too romanticized.

But only a few kinds.

ER at 3:00 am

The exact reason you shouldn't think you can beat a GI virus.  Dehydration will put you in ER.  I've never been this sick.      

         Well.....this can't compare to chemo...

Opposites

Life is about opposites. People who have curly hair want straight, people who are married want to be single, people who want kids can't....

Sorry about videos

The videos I post are unable to open.  I'm unsure the reason.

NHL All Star Game 2015

Wow. Pekka, Weber, Forsberg, and coach voted to All Stars!!!  Think Nashville Predators will get some press love-finally?

Amazing doctor dancing before bilateral mastectomy

Wonder how hard it was to her co-workers to operate?  Especially after this. Very moving.

Angry Shea

I love when Angry Shea shows up.  Shea Weber is a boss.

Sometimes he can make me feel exceptional

Sometimes he can make me feel exceptional.  For instance Wednesday night. Chris and I met our friend Wes at the Smokey Mountain Brewery for dinner. Wednesday nights are trivia night and although we don't play it's fun to watch and listen.

We were sitting at the last red light and Chris was looking through his Facebook on his tablet.  (Yes!  He still has a flip phone but has the tablet.)  Chris said something about me switching my profile picture often.  I told him that was the fun of Facebook.  And silliness.  He hit the "like" button.  I said, "oh, you liked my profile picture. I kinda look pretty behind sunglasses."  Chris said I was beautiful, sunglasses or not.  I told him I didn't know about that, it was the sunglasses.  Chris said, "You're the prettiest girl on Facebook."

Sometimes he can make me feel exceptional.....









I don't feel comfortable without my sunglasses.......

But if I can't have them over my eyes I'll have have them on my head. 

Channel 13 Warning

One of the funniest friends, and breast cancer survivor, had this comment on her Facebook page after the Channel 13 hoax about Facebook privacy.

Oh how I wish she lived closer to Tennessee.   Texas is too far to visit for a dinner.   Though we've discussed my five year mark.


Note: Snopes is your friend people.

Relay for Life 2015

May 1, 2015 is the date "Relay for Life" is scheduled.  The event is once again at Hiwassee College.  Maybe I'll go.....I don't know.  I've been to two.  I'm just so uncomfortable at them.  I don't understand why......

Blogging

Blogging has been a great experience. Except when nothing comes to mind other than short posts of topics generally added to Facebook or Twitter, which has been me for weeks.  I realize more and more that I'm not a very good writer.  Well, not that I haven't know for a while.  I used to be more careful in my stories and posts.  Agonizing over grammar and points I was trying to make, often returning to a published post making changes/updates that were worthless because those few who read have already done so and do not know of my new ideas for the subject.  Now I've become lazy, like most things in my life.

I almost never read or follow blogs.  Blogging is hard for a lot of people, the writer and the reader.  There is no instant gratification with "likes" or "comments" on Social Media.  Most want those and therefore stick to Social Media for glory.  (I don't consider blogging Social Media.) I don't claim not to enjoy instant gratification or the feeling that someone actually cares what I think and that I'm special/original in my writing.

This week I spent some time reading a blog I've not read before. I didn't agree with all the viewpoints presented but the blog was well written and interesting.  The blog hit me with something I've known for years:  I'm a middle of the road, mediocre writer, very much unlike the one I read.

I touch on subjects I know keep me safe, such as cancer.  I know a lot about it.  I know I have the right to be at least some level of expert on breast cancer.  I know that no one will challenge me on the opinions I have on the subject because I have the "C" card.  I belong to a certain group.  A small group.  A group no one can argue or judge you about what you have put to paper.  You've had cancer and survived it and have the risk of reoccurrence.  Whose going to challenge that and besides what would they challenge?

After working in the social worker field for around 15 years, specializing in working with domestic violence and their children, I feel passionate, but not an expert, about the subject even though many will and do argue about the causes and whose at fault, etc.  I can take it and will fight with my opinion.  However, still middle of the road.

Christianity, I'm very devote on my beliefs and faith.  I had no fear of death during cancer-chemo, radiation, all the surgery.  The experience was very surreal.  Looking back it feels like I never had cancer.  Strange.....  My faith in a future following death was strengthened by the lose of a brother, mother and father.  Loss of my own life was ok.  We all have to die.  I'm okay with that.  Not that I'm actually ready, want to die.  Sometimes I fear how I will die.  However, the actual part of death and life thereafter are what is okay with me.  I don't believe in pushing my beliefs onto others.  I love talking about my faith and sharing my faith but I don't impose.  I can write about it.  Middle of the road.

There are two other subjects, well three, where I have enough experience with to be considered okay to know enough to write on.  However, I doubt those will be put to paper.  They are outside my box. I'm a middle of the road writer.  It's safe there.  Those books I've alluded to happening throughout my blog?  They'll never, ever happen.  I'm a mediocre person living a mediocre life who will never take chances.  I'm Beatrice from "Dauntless" only the Beatrice who will never cut her hand, never drip her blood into another bowl, never become "Tris".

I'm just Marna.  I'm okay with that.

Ahhh great nieces........

Took all of an hour till Bella called and asked if she and I could do something today since her sister is sick and cannot go to movies.  They kill me with the comedy of their personalities.  The sisters refuse to spend time together with me and when one cancels on me for a trip the other pounces.

What will I do when the great's grow up and don't want to hang out with their old aunt?  Well, Chels is almost twenty-one and she still loves me.  I guess when they have their own families Mallie Belle, two, and Jack, three, will be old enough to want to spend time with a great aunt who at that time will be much older.....Or maybe Amber and Colton will have kids someday.  But I'm beginning to doubt it....

What's an aunt, who loves all of her 13 nieces, nephews, and greats and has no children of her own, to do?  The situation is one of the only ones in my life which sadden me.

Hobbit vs Purge Anarchy

Today was to be movie day with my great niece, Chelsea, and I.  No one will go to movies to see the "Hobbit".  I've refused to watch "Purge Anarchy" with Chelsea for months.  So I struck a deal with her-she was to watch the "Hobbit" today and I'd watch "Purge Anarchy" when she spends the night in a couple of weeks while Chris is out of town.  Well.  She has the flu.  I'm disappointed about the "Hobbit" but will continue to harass her about "Purge" with the peskiness I love to use.

Wonder when Bella will text........ahhh the greats.

I hate makeup and rarely buy it but I'm fairly certain that this is not how a new tube of lipstick should look.