Shy?

Often many people confuse shyness with introversion.  They are not the same thing though many think they are.  Introverts may be shy but generally they are not.  Mostly they are loners-or prefer to generally do things alone.  They are more reserved, not as outgoing as others and may have fewer friends, mostly from preference.  Many times they prefer to do more on their own and put less importance on social activities.  Introverts generally do better in situations/work when they are alone.  It’s not that they are shy, that is just how they like life to be.

Extraverts are outgoing, very social, daring, speak their mind more readily, and enjoy excitement.  They like being involved with other people and do not perform as well in situations/work where they are alone.  My husband is the perfect example of an extravert.

Those who are shy usually are not introverted.  Most people lump the two together and assume they are the same thing, but again, they are not.  Shy people very, very much want to be a part of the “social” scene and have friends.  But they may not have the social skills or may have a personality that leans towards shyness.  This can set up hardship for them to be involved with others socially.

I’ve taken the Myer’s Brigg test several times throughout my life.  I am always split exactly down the middle of being an extravert and introvert.  My behavior for each depends on the situation in which I’m involved.  But the thing I am the most positive about is my shyness, which is not tested for as part of the Myer's Brigg.  Shyness has been an extremely difficult thing for me to deal with my entire life.   

When I was small I was outgoing, spoiled and a huge pest—to a certain age.  Then shyness took over with extended family and then more so with people I didn’t know.  I think I was shy to some extent in some situations from as long as I can remember.  I can remember hiding behind my mother from shyness.   The shyness became worse after my brother died when I was 7.  Then other things through teen years, which are hard years anyway, added to the problem.  I always desperately wanted to be more social, to have more friends.  But I was petrified of certain situations and hated school. (I could write a whole book on hating school, book 5.) 

It is a hard thing to admit you’re shy.  Shy people are often seen as weak. I’m afraid some people perceive me as aloof or not friendly.  At times in my life people have told me they heard I wasn’t a friendly person.  It hurts to be perceived in that way, mostly because I do care so deeply for everyone, even those I do not know.  Hence the reason I was a social worker for so many years.

After I know someone the shyness usually wears off.  But until then it’s very hard for me to get involved in social situations.  Chris has been great blessing for me.  He puts me at ease by taking center stage in social situations and he does things I would never do.   To an extent I can live vicariously through him.  Chris is very much a social butterfly!!  Whereas I am the wall-flower. 

I can I remember when my momma worked as a teacher’s aid while I was in high school.  She worked at the vocational school with the resource class.  Everyday they walked to my high school to have lunch.  My momma told me one day I was a wall flower—she had seen me from a distance down a hallway.  Momma said I just blended into the wall.   She often worried about my bashfulness.  

While in high school I had several teachers tell me “Oh, Marna, I wish all my students were like you.  Never talking too much in class.”  Of course I didn’t.  Even if I had a question I would never raise my hand.  Then I went to college.  I had a professor who told me one day that she wished I would speak out more in class.   I told her what some of my high school teachers had said to me, which I always took as a compliment.  She said, “Oh, no!  Marna I want to hear your opinion.  I want you to contribute.”

My oldest sister raised horses and I have always loved them.  A few years after Chris and I were married I began competing in some horse shows.  I really enjoyed being at home and getting ready with my horse.  And enjoyed some aspects of the shows.  Especially how great and friendly everyone was.  However I’m just not competitive and I think some of that stems from my shyness.  I didn’t like the feeling I got when I won nor did I like the feeling when I lost.  When I was young my momma would always try and get me to try different clubs and activities.  I never stayed with anything over a couple of years.  Which I think is similar to my horse show experiences—I was too shy to enjoy competition.

Nowadays, I think my mother in Heaven looks down on amazement that I actually managed to conquer many fears related to shyness and graduate with my Master’s Degree and only lacking 6 hours of course work toward a second.  Especially after the hard time I gave her about hating school and being so bashful.  (I think shyness will be the sixth book I’ll write.  Now, where is my ghostwriter……)

Shyness, bashfulness, being backward will always be an issue for me.  Sometimes a situation is easier to fight my way through than others and I win.  But sometimes I lose.  The key is that the older I get the easier it is for me to cope with those times I’ve lost.

(Photo of me as a baby.)