Attitude is a Choice

No matter the circumstance, 
your attitude is your choice.

Do as much as you can with a smile.

Night before my mastectomy May 2010

Me and my sister Lynette

 Me and my mother in law

 Me and my niece Jessie

 Me and Chris

 Me and the nieces

 Me and Duncan

 Me and Jennifer

Me and my nephew Tanner

About four hours before mastectomy

After my mastectomy - in room after recovery

Home after mastectomy-

Jamey brought tool belt to hold my surgery drains

Night before first chemo-our friends Kelley and Rusty Gaston and Brittany and Hank Hepperly took Chris and I to Calhoun's and The Comedy Barn in Pigeon Forge.  Great, fun night with friends!!

 Kelley, me and Brittany (above)

Me and Chris (below)

Got my haircut the week before the first treatment. Supposedly it's an easier transition to becoming bald. I've had every hairstyle known to man, except a Pixie.  I looked at going bald as just a way to eventually get that Pixie Cut I was afraid to go out on a limb for.

I don't have any photos I can find of my first treatment......

After first treatment, living life, waiting for hair to fall out.....  

:)

Chris took me to the Beach to eat the week after.  My hair was 

shedding a little but not too bad.  

My nephew Colton caught me in a pensive moment. This was a family get-together at Chris's aunt's house. His aunt Barbara just found out she had breast cancer. That was tough. I'd rather be sick than watch those I love be sick. I was having one of the few moments of self pity.  My face had broken out into horrible, awful acne that morning.  I woke up, looked in the mirror and saw a 14 year old looking back.  My doctor gave me some meds but they hadn't kicked in.  The acne brought back bad memories of my bad acne in junior high and high school. Leave it to me to get the acne side effect of chemo.  But even though this day was a horrible self pity day and horrible news about Barbara, I tried my best to think and smile on the good things in life as I sat alone to my thoughts for much of the day.

Jeremiah & Sarah's wedding and the process of finally losing my hair

that day and the next.

Jeremiah and Sarah's wedding.  It was time to shave.  My hair was coming out in clumps that morning.  Chris asked if I could make it through the wedding.  I said I couldhold on to it till the night. lol The wedding was a gorgeous outdoor wedding.  But the wind was blowing a little.  My hair was literally blowing out.  I was terrified I'd ruin the cake. No one noticed-except for Chris and Bridget, who did have to pick a few hairs from their plates.  

Chris, me and Duncan at Jeremiah & Sarah's wedding (above)

Me and hair patrol Bridget who kept strays clumps from totally coming out and the ones that did she hid. (below)

I decided to wait until the next morning about shaving my head. I knew it would be better but just wanted to wait and hope. The next morning the left side of my head was bald from where I had slept. Chris said, "Marna, it's time."I said, "Get the horse clippers and let's go outside."  Chris shaved my hair in the backyard with those horse clippers.  I wished I'd saved a lock.

This is a photo later in the day after Chris shaving off my hair.  I experimented with some makeup to try and help my looks.  I hate makeup....

Second treatment.  Lynette caught me in the middle of a bite of sandwich and chips. 

Third Chemo.  

Took all my scarves friends had sent me. Those gave me something to do while I sat for treatment for about three hours.  The cancer was not overwhelming.  It was the love.  The out pouring of love of so many family members and friends and even strangers that was overwhelming.

I took the prayer blanket just made and given to me by my friend   Pat Hinton's church for the third treatment. (below)

I was getting quite puffy from all those steroids by this point.  It was hard to balloon up in weight.  The painful hunger that could never be satisfied was worse.  But I tried to meet it with a smile and a shake of my fist.  Contrary to popular belief, many people do not go slick bald with chemo.  There are spots with some very short hair. Chris, Lynette and Amber shaved my head a few times to help keep me from what I said  "looking like a mangy dog".  

 Amber cleaning up my head.

Fourth Chemo.  

Looking rough with swelling and bad clothing 

choices.  (I needed fashion help!).  But still choosing to keep my head up and live life.  I didn't want to look back on this time and not have lived!

Me and Chris (above)

Me and my niece Jessie (below) 

Why did she not fix my ugly bandana! lol

My nephew Tanner sat with me again for my fifth chemo.  Just one more after this!  My sister Lynette kept a FB countdown.

Jennifer, Jamey and Bella came to visit after my fifth Chemo. Bella and I had fun playing with wigs.

At a family dinner. Like I've said before, I tried my best to keep "living". I didn't want to look back and have regrets about not being involved in my life. Chris took me to the movies and out to eat often. This, at times, was uncomfortable.  People stare...and avoid.  But my attitude was I'm going to do what I love.  And what I love are movies and food!

Kelley offered to share her hair at a cookout we had.   Love her.  She and Brittany were one of my many rocks and they really kept me laughing. 

Knoxville Fair had a Bedazzle Your Bar competition that was really cool. This was around my 5th treatment.

Enjoying a little time with my horse, Johnny Rook.  I couldn't really ride but I climbed on and walked him around.

2010 Halloween after fifth treatment I believe. Carved pumpkins with Bryce and Amber and Chris.   Great times!

LAST CHEMO EVER!!!  Thank the Good Lord! 

 I was getting a little tired.  (Just a little okay?)

My sister Lynette and my niece Jessie took me to eat at the Patio

the week after my LAST CHEMO!  Afterward Jessie had a gift for me.

A Coach purse for my LAST CHEMO!!!

We went with friends on a cruise in December 2010 after my 34 treatments of radiation.

Chris and I's first real holiday, ever.  This was the first time I was in public with no scarf. One strange guy on the boat rubbed my head at a get together and said I pulled off the Sinead O'Connor look well.  Then he paused and realized...I wasn't trying to pull off Sinead O'Connor.  Bless him. He danced away and Chris turned to me and said, "I didn't know whether to punch him or laugh."  We laughed.....

Me trying to look all cool while cruising.  It was fairly cool on a couple of 

days since we were there in December.  But nice.  I doubt I'll do a cruise

again.  Just wasn't something I enjoyed enough to want to go back.

Me and the nieces.  After this I didn't wear scarves anymore.  I barely had 

hair but I just couldn't stand wearing anything on my head anymore.

(Amber, me, Chelsea, Jessie, and Bella)

Hair is starting to come in!  With my sister Lynette at the

Lincoln Day Dinner

Here's that Pixie Cut! At this point people aren't assuming I've had cancer

and am growing my hair out.  This length was great-woman asked me where I got it cut!

FINAL HERCEPTIN TREATMENT! 

Herceptin is kinda of like a chemo drug of which I had to have 12 treatments over about ten months. 

Now I only have to take pill for 5 years to help reduce the chance of developing cancer again. (Only the dread of having procedure for port removal to be left after this day.)

Nurse flushing my port before beginning last Herceptin

Strapped up to chemo for last time!

Last flushing of chemo port ever! 

Nurses had a parting gift for me

I'm not saying to slap on a smile and pretend those natural feelings of anger, grief,

sadness, mourning, loss.  But it is our choice with how we react to feeling those emotions.

And how we treat those around us who are coping themselves and trying to care for us.

I was in the waiting room for treatment one day.  A lady, who obviously had cancer like everyone

there, came in. She was extremely rude and mean spirited toward those with her and then to the receptionist. She was rude to those waiting.  When she was called to the back she could still be heard being mean and rude to the nurses and doctor.  I feel it's wrong to take out those hard emotions on those around us. They can't help that we are sick.  It's not their fault.  Those around us are doing the best they can.  I chose the attitude of going in to treatment to trying to lighten everyone's days with my stupid humor I have even when I was really tired and sick and didn't feel much like it.  

My attitude was my choice.  And I chose to smile when everyone was looking, try to smile every moment they weren't, and smile at God knowing we were in this together.